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PINERO'S  PLAYS,  i 

My  Bound  in  Stiff  Paper  Covers,  Jk 

Price,  59  cents  each.  2^ 

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ii-to  amateur  actors  a  series  of  modern  pieces  of  the  highest  W 

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«t  the    ncreasmg  demand  for  the  pfays  for  acting  purposes  has  /fl 

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^    an?h^,-ifv?  of  the-largest  possible  number  of  amatlui  Xbs  we  /|? 

J^  authority  to  ofier  them  tor  acting  purposes  at  an  author's  roy-  ilw 

gp       Ten  Dollars  for  Each  Performance.  Ji 

nown  on  applSion?^'''''^''*"^''"^  perf<yrmances,  for  which  t<»m8  will  be  A 

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AMAZONS,  I     AFarcical  Romance  in  Three  Acts.   By  Arthttr  /J^ 

««_ ^'  PrxKKo.    beven  male  and  five  female  char-  >AV 

.    ^     .             ^          „        acters.     Costumes,  modern;  scenery,  an  exterior  fl^ 

interior,  not  at  all  difficult.     This  admirable  fnice  is  too  w5l  kno  S  I^JC 

-h  Its  recent  performance  by  the  Lyceum  Theatre  ConipanrXew  York   to  W 

col7eger'(ffi!"'    "  ''  especially  recommended  to  young  ?adiVs'  scLols  and  JK 

\t/   THE   CABINET   MINISTER.  I     ^    ^^^^^«   ^'^    Four    Acts.      By  ^K 

<#^    j     ARTHru  W.  PixEiio.    Ten  male  Vf 

■^""'^    r'ostumes.  modern  society;  scenery,  thix^e  interforl/r'erfa^SinfSe'S^  VJ/ 

-enlous  in  construction,  and  brilliant  in  dialogue.    ('1892.')     ^"'"^•"S  P'^ce,  m-  yj 


logue.    n892.) 


..*.,  DANDY  DICK.  I    ^^  ^^^^^  }"  P^-^f  ^^^s.    By  Arthur  W.  Pixkro.  Vf 

\S/    Seven  male,  tour  female  characters.   Costumes,  mod-  <k'A 

yi-^  TT                       '       ern;  scenery,  t\\o  interiors.    This  very  amusina' niece  M/ 

iy  jvas  another  success  in  the  New  York  and  Boston  theatres,Sl  las  lel^  ex-  }K 

W  tensiyely played  from  manuscript  by  amateurs,  for  whom  it  s  in  every  reiolct  W 

\^I'A  su.ed.    It  provides  an  unusual  numW  of  capital  character  Darts,  iTveiVS^^^  JK 

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iU    THE   HOBBY   HORSE  J     -^.Comedyin  Three  Act3.    By  Arthhr  JK 

,:IV,              I     ^^.PI^EUo.    Ten  male,  five  female  char-  \l/ 

#    terior;  costnn.es,  modern.    Tliis  piece  rS-knl^Svi^^nmtiTu'^^S'u!^  <»> 

^^    ^m^^^'if  performance  of  Mr.  John  Hare,  who  produce<l  it  in         ti  «  pr  nci   i!  V/ 

ilr!;«.^o'  story  presents  a  clever  satire  of  false  philanthropyVaa  d  is  iuH  of  ^1/ 

iiterest  and  humor.    Well  adapted  for  amateurs,  by  whom  it  has  been  success  •!' 

uUy  acted.    Plays  two  hours  and  a  half.    (1892.)                                            success,  y|v 

LADY   BOUNTIFUL  J    ^    ^l«y  in   Four  Acts.     By  Art  it  tR   W.  VlJ^ 

I     Pi>'KRo.   i*-ight  male  and  seven  female  char- 

.teriors,  not  easy.    A  play  of  powe?l^ff  sv-nSSllf^^l^lri!  V:^!'!^':^?  /^'F 

(1892.) 


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THE    DOCTOR 


3^n  (Original  (i[Qmii[  §mmn  in  Sfhr^^  %4^ 


BY 


CHARLES  [rOWNSEND 

Author  of  "Rio  Grande,"  "The  Spy  of  Gettysburg."  "  t  tnntgans  Fortune. 
"  The  Mountain  Waif"  "  Ihe  Vagabonds^'  "Moses"  etc. 


AUTHOR'S  EDITION 


BOSTON 


1897 


THE    DOCTOR. 


CHAEACTERS. 

DiLLiNGTON  Hopper,  a  New  York  stockbroker,  who  wants  some  fun — 

and  gets  it. 
Thomas  Picton,  his  friend,  who  wants  peace — and  doesn''t  get  it. 
Crumley  Chuggs,  a  nice  old  man,  7vho  wants  the  widow — and  gets  her. 
Napoleon   B.  Plunker,  an  inventor,  who  wants  the  earth — and  keeps 

on  wanting. 
Mrs.  Fanny  Mayfair,  a  dashing  young  widow,  who  wants  a  ^^  larV — 

and  has  it. 
Mrs.  Anastasia  Billowby,  another  widow,  who  wants  to  elope — and 

is  disappointed. 
Effie  Picton,    Topi's  wife,  who  wants  revenge — and  then  there'' s  trouble. 


Time.— -Midsummer.     Place. — Acts  I.  and  III.,  Tom's  country  home. 
Act  II.,  a  woodland  glade. 


Thne  of  playing,  two  hours  and  fifteen  minutes. 


Copyright,  1896,  by  Walter  H.  Baker  &  Co, 


L 


All  Eights  Reserved. 

Special  Notice. — The  author  and  proprietor  of  "  The  Doctor  "re- 
serves to  himself  all  right  of  performing  the  said  play  in  any  part  of  the 
United  States.  Amateur  dramatic  clubs  are  at  liberty  to  produce  the 
play  without  further  notice;  but  professionals,  actors  and  managers  can 
do  so  only  by  paying  the  author's  royalty.  Any  unlawful  production  of 
the  play  will  be  prosecuted  under  the  new  Copyright  Act  to  the  full  ex- 
tent of  the  law. 

Managers  desiring  this  play  may  secure  it  on  reasonable  terms  by 
addressing  the  author  at  Weedsport,  N.  Y. 

^  5?c  or  7    vj^^ !  i  r. 


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COSTTJKES. 

{See,  also,  Remarks  on  the  Play.) 

Hopper. — Act  /.—Light  sack  suit,  low  shoes,  derby  or  stra\r  hat, 
fancy  shirt,  Windsor  tie.  Act  IT. — Regulation  outing  suit  except  that, 
as  he  is  out  shooting,  he  wears  leggins,  and  carries  a  gun  and  game-bag. 
The  suit  should  be  of  dark  gray  or  blue  flannel.  A  straw  hat  or  cap  may 
be  worn.     Act  III. — Evening  dress. 

Tom. — Act  I. — Usual  summer  suit.  Act  II. — Customary  outing  suit 
to  contrast  with  Hopper's.     Act  III. — Evening  dress. 

Plunker. — Act  I. — Loud  suit  of  check  material  with  broad  striped 
trousers.  Fancy  shirt,  flaming  tie  and  a  profusion  of  jewelry.  Act  II. 
— Gaudy  outing  suit,  with  duplicate  badly  torn  for  second  entrance. 
Act  III. — First  suit:  Same  as  last,  the  rents  being  pinned  up.  Second 
suit :  Evening  dress,  but  in  bad  taste  ;  fancy  vest,  large  diamond  studs 
and  rings — but  be  careful  to  avoid  carrying  this  to  the  point  of  bur- 
lesque. 

C HUGOS. — Ministerial  style — ^plain  black  throughout.  Torn  suit  for 
change  in  Second  Act.     In  Act  Third  change  to  evening  dress. 

Fanny. — Act  I. — Riding  habit  in  black  or  olive  green.  Gloves,  whip. 
Act  II. — Elegant  outing  suit.  Act  III. — Same  as  Act  Second,  change 
to  evening  dress. 

Mrs.  Billowby. — Act  I. — Very  rich  tea  gown  or  house  dress,  cut  and 
trimmed  with  a  view  of  making  the  figure  exceedingly  stout.  (See 
chapter  on  "  Costumes  "  in  Townsend's  "  Amateur  Theatricals  " — 
a  valuable  book,  which  we  mail  for  25  cts.)  Act  II. — Outing  dress. 
Act  III. — Same,  change  to  evening  dress. 

Effie. — Act  I. — Handsome  tea  gown.  Act  II. — Outing  suit.  Act 
III. — Same,  change  to  evening  dress. 

PROPERTIES. 

Act  I. — Newspapers;  decanter  of  cold  tea  and  glass;  a  dozen 
packages,  large  and  small,  one  of  which  contains  a  pair  of  light  trousers ; 
several  pillows  and  blankets. 

Act  n. — Table  cloth,  dishes,  cups,  knives,  forks,  etc.,  for  luncheon; 
two  bottles  of  v.ine,  one  red,  one  white;  wine  glasses;  gun  to  fire; 
cigars  and  matches;  two  baskets,  one  very  large;  umbrella. 

Act  III. — Cigar  and  matches;  three  large  pistols. 


W359531 


/.. 


SYNOPSIS  OF  EVENTS  FOR  PROGRAMMES. 

Act  I. — Home  of  the  Pictons.  Plunker  and  the  press.  "  Anothei 
speculation  gone  to  smash  !  "  A  pair  of  schemers.  The  coy  widow 
and  her  admirers.  Plunker  takes  a  tumble  and  Chuggs  makes  love. 
Plunker  tries  his  hand.  A  drink  of  "  nectar."  A  surprise.  "It's 
vinegar,  that's  what."  Tom  and  his  troubles.  Mrs.  Billowby  is 
shocked.  More  vinegar.  "What  the  deilte  have  I  done  now.?" 
Tony's  glad  arrival.  Makes  matters  worse.  The  broker  turns  doctor. 
Some  tall  medical  tales.  "  So  weak  his  voice  fell  whenever  he  spoke." 
"Cured!  Well,  rather!"  The  dashing  young  widow.  Some  sage 
advice.  "Always  make  a  man  think  you  know  less  than  he  does." 
Tony  and  Fanny.  Lovers'  quarrels.  Tony's  inspiration.  Tom  gets 
a  sudden  attack.  The  "doctor's"  opinion.  "If  life  should  suddenly 
cease,  he  would  die  at  once!"  Tony's  ultimatum.  Tom  gets  sicker. 
"  Shiver  now,  shiver!  "  Alarm!  Triumph  !  A  joyful  dance.  Caught 
in  the  act.     Climax  ! 

Act  II.— Time,  the  next  afternoon.  A  picnic  in  the  woods.  Music 
and  mirth.  Chuggs  and  Plunker  in  a  row.  "  Two  fool  dogs  quarrelling 
over  a  bone."  A  sudden  peace.  Tony  has  a  new  scheme.  A  triple 
elopement.  "  Tony,  you're  going  it !  "  Tom's  flirtation.  "This  is 
t-tough  business  for  me.  Wish  I'd  got  a  few  pointers."  Efiie's  rage. 
Tony's  sympathy.  "  I  could  kill  them  both  !  "  "  They  might  not  like 
it.  People  are  so  unreasonable."  Tony's  plan.  The  plot  thickens. 
Tom  in  earnest.  Trouble  begins.  "  Now,  Tony  dear,  I'm  all  ready  1" 
General  surprise.  Mrs.  Billowby  is  also  "all  ready."  More  surprise. 
"  He's  going  to  elope  with  me."  "  No,  he  isn't,  he's  going  to  elope  with 
me!'^  War  in  the  camp.  Effie  caps  the  climax.  "I'm  all  ready!" 
The  "  doctor  "  gets  "  roasted."    "  Speak,  sir,  speak  !  "     Confusion ! 

Act  III. — Time,  evening  of  same  day.  Home  from  the  picnic. 
Tom's  opinion.  Bombshell  No.  i.  Effie  in  a  rage.  "  I  want  revenge  !  " 
"  But  I  haven't  got  any."  Bombshell  No.  2.  Anastasia's  martial  tread. 
More  revenge  wanted.  A  feminine  fracas.  Fanny  moralizes.  Tom 
gets  a  "bracer."  Preparing  for  the  fray.  The  "doctor  "  gives  instruc- 
tions. A  tearful  trio.  "  Where  does  he  lie  ? "  A  triple  challenge. 
Ready  for  gore.  The  famous  three-cornered  duel.  "  I'll  plunk  Plunker, 
he  can  chug  Chuggs,  and  Chuggs  can  chug  me."  A  halt  in  the  fray. 
Effie  pleads.  "  There  is  no  law  to  prevent  doctors  from  killing  people." 
Unconditional  surrender.  The  "  doctor  "  triumphs.  No  doctor  at  all- 
just  a  plain  stockbroker.    A  final  prescription. 


REMARKS  ON  THE  PLAY. 

In  presenting  this  brilliant  and  successful  comedy,  we  call  particular 
attention  to  the  fact  that  herein  wit  and  humor  are  most  happily  mingled. 
In  most  of  his  comedy  work  Tovvnsend  is  more  humorous  than  witty, 
since  the  fun  arising  from  comic  situations  and  droll  speeches  is  more 
palpable  than  that  from  incisive  wit.  But  in  The  Doctor  he  gives  us 
many  witty  passages,  and  these  require  nice  handling.  A  speech  which 
might  be  made  to  convey  a  double  meaning — as  in  the  first  scene  be- 
tween Tom  and  Effie  in  Act  Third — must  be  delivered  with  an  air  of 
utter  simplicity,  thus  destroying  any  hint  of  double  entente. 

The  Doctor  is  a  comic  play,  lying  clearly  within  the  domain  of  farce, 
inasmuch  as  it  does  not  attack  any  foible  or  folly  of  mankind  and  its 
mirth  does  not  always  follow  the  lines  of  strict  probability.  It  has  proved, 
however,  to  be  one  of  the  liveliest,  brightest  and  most  laughable  plays 
ever  written,  and  with  its  short  cast-^very  role  being  strictly  first  class 
— it  is  a  prime  favorite. 

It  is  printed  directly  from  the  author's  prompt  copy,  and  from  him  we 
have  secured  the  following  valuable  suggestions  regarding  each  char- 
acter, which  should  be  carefully  studied. 

Hopper.  This  is  the  "  star  "  part  and  should  be  in  the  hands  of  a 
dashing  light  comedian.  Hopper  is  aboujt  25  years  of  age.  He  should 
make  up  as  a  blonde,  wear  a  light,  curly  wig,  no  beard,  and,  while 
sprightly  in  action,  he  should  carefully  avoid  over-acting.  Deliver  his 
lines  with  a  snap,  for  the  part  will  bear  no  dragging,  and  drive  his  long 
"patter"  speeches  in  the  first  and  last  acts  through  with  a  rush. 

Tom  is  a  young  fellow  of  Hopper's  age,  but  is  his  direct  opposite  in 
every  way.  He  is  slow  in  action  and  slow  of  speech.  His  lines  mr.ot 
be  delivered  with  an  occasional  hitch,  but  be  very  careful  to  avoid  any- 
thing like  a  stutter.  Tom  is  an  easy-going  fellow,  with  very  little  grit. 
Still  he  must  not  be  played  like  a  namby-pamby  dude,  for  that  would 
spoil  the  part.  Make  him  up  without  much  color,  and  wear  no  beard 
unless  it  be  a  light  mustache. 

C HUGOS  is  a  man  of  65.  His  hair  is  gray,  face  pale,  and  he  is  either 
smooth  shaven  or  a  long,  iron-gray  full  beard  may  be  worn.  He  is  a 
type  of  the  smooth,  oily,  sanctimonious  old  schemer,  who  is  always  on 
the  lookout  for  number  one.  Remember,  though,  that  he  is  not  a 
whining  canter,  so  don't  make  his  speeches  drawl  nor  drag.  This  part 
should  be  played  by  a  tall,  slender  man  if  possible. 

Plumper  is  a  man  of  45.  He  is  red-faced,  brisk,  lively,  stout  and 
bumptious.  A  half-bald  red  wig  and  a  red  chin  beard  should  be  worn. 
Plumper  is  explosive,  loud,  noisy  and  gingery.  He  is  always  in  a  hurry, 
and  the  part — being  one  of  broad  low  comedy — should  be  exaggerated 
somewhat. 

Fanny  is  a  young  widow  of  21  and  is  a  type  of  the  Uvely,  dashing 
young  American  woman.  She  should  dress  rather  catchy,  and  the  part 
must  be  played  with  an  utter   freedom  from  restraint.    Deliver  her 


r 


0  REMARKS  ON  THE   PLAT. 

speeches  with  a  brisk  snap,,  and  carefully  avoid  posing,  for  the  r61e 
won't  allow  it. 

Mrs.  Billowby  is  a  widow  of  40 — "fat  and  fair."  She  should  not 
be  played  like  the  conventional  mother-in-law,  as  she  is  "  marriageable," 
and  naturally  wishes  to  create  a  favorable  impression.  In  drawing  this 
character  I  made  no  attempt  to  give  it  depth,  as  it  is  wholly  a  surface 
creation.  Mrs.  Billowby  changes  with  ever)-  breeze,  and  therefore  should 
be  presented  in  a  farcical  light  throughout. 

Effie  is  about  21  ;  and  as  the  part  may  be  said  to  play  itself,  it  calls 
for  no  particular  description,  as  the  lines  and  indicated  business  are  ,suf- 
ficient. 

To  THE  Stage  Manager.  Whether  this  play  be  produced  by 
amateurs  without  charge,  or  by  professionals  under  royalty,  I  wish  to 
caution  Stage  Managers  to  look  after  the  climaxes  of  each  act  with  the 
utmost  care.  If  there  are  any  delays  as  the  climax  approaches,  the  in- 
terest falls  and  can  rarely  be  regained.  This  is  true  of  all  comedy 
climaxes,  and  especially  so  in  plays  of  this  sort  when  the  curtain  goes 
down  on  a  whirlwind  of  fun.  See  that  the  cues  are  picked  up  with 
celerity,  and  insist  that  the  play  shall  not  go  on  until  all  are  letter  per- 
feet. 


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ACT  I. 

Scene. — Handsomely  furnished  room  in  fourth  grooves,  with 
interior  backi^ig  in  fifth  grooves.  Curtained  arch  c.  Doors 
R.  2  E.  and  L.  2  E.  Window  L.  3  E.  7<2(^/^  and  chairs  L. 
front.     Tete-a-tete  'S..  front. 

Discover  Plunker  at  table  reading  7iewspaper. 

PI.  (reads).  "  Wedding  bells — Great  Divorce  Case — An 
Impressive  Funeral. "^  Um  !  Love,  law  and  physic  !  Anything 
that  escapes  the  eye  of  the  great  American  reporter  must  get  up 
and  hustle.  Speaking  of  hustling,  let's  have  a  look  at  the  mar- 
ket reports.  "  Lead  heavy,  feathers  light,  and  quinine  a  drug 
in  the  market."  Exactly.  Eh,  what's  this  ?  "  The  stock  of  the 
Plunker  Motor  Company  took  a  tremendous  tumble  on  the  dis- 
covery that  the  motor  would  not  mote."  Another  speculation 
gone  to  smash  !  Bungslam  the  luck  !  Who  wants  a  motor  to 
mote  ?  Who  wants  an  invention  to  do  anything  except  float 
stock  ?  Conblast  the  wobbly  gumgasted  newspaper  !  (Stamps 
on  paper,  as  Chuggs  enters  c.)  There  !  now  look  me  in  the 
face  will  you,  you  scandalous  libeller  of  struggling  genius  ! 

Chug.  Ah  !  Mr.  Plunker,  you  should  not  abuse  the  press. 
Next  to  attending  a  funeral  or  strolling  through  a  bright  and 
cheerful  graveyard,  I  enjoy  reading  the  newspapers,  especially 
the  dear  old  jokes — so  full  of  sad  and  soulful  memories. 

PL     Then  you — you  like  fun  ? 

Ch.  Fun  ?  No,  sir.  You  know  there  is  nothing  funny  in  a 
comic  paper. 

PL     There  would  be  \{ you  were  in  it. 

Ch.      Eh  !     Do  I  look  like  ^  funny  man  ? 

PL  Tremendously.  You're  the  most  solemn  funny-looking 
cuss  I  ever  saw.     You'd  make  a  baboon  grin.     Ha,  ha,  ha  ! 

Ch.     So  I  observe. 

PL     Sir  !     Look  here,  sir,  do  you  mean  to  infer 

Ch.     Whatever  you  please,  sir — yes,  sir. 


8  THE   DOCTOR. 

PI.     Do  you  know  who  I  am,  sir  ? 

Ch.  Beyond  doubt.  You  are  a  done-up  old  speculator  on 
the  lookout  for  a  rich  widow,  and  you  won't  get  her. 

PI.     Why,  you  old  jugger-wugger,  I — I [Bus. 

Enter  Mrs.  Billowby,  c.  ' 

Mrs.  B.     Good-afternoon,  gentlemen. 

PI.  (L.),     My  dear  madam )    [Boik  bow  as  she 

Ch.  (R.)-     My  dear  Mrs.  Billowby j      turns  tip  stage. 

PI.     Get  out  of  my  way,  you  old  sag-wap  ! 

Cll.      You — you — you  exploded  theory  ! 

Mrs.  B.     Gentlemen,  I  want  a  seat. 

PI.     Of  course [Grasps  a  chair. 

Ch.     Why,  certainly.  [Grasps  same  chair.     Struggle. 

Mrs.  B.     Gentlemen  ! 
[Chuggs    drops  chair.     Plunker  tumbles  over.     Chuggs 
gives  aftother  chair  to  Mrs.  B.,  who  sits. 

Ch.     A  triumph  of  mind  over  matter. 

Mrs.  B.     I  hope  you  did  not  hurt  your  head,  professo  ' 

PI.  {dismally).     My  head  is  all  right,  but — um — my — 

[Limps  off\., 

Ch.     I  think  that  Plunker  has  joggled  his  brains. 

Mrs.  B.     Mr.  Chuggs,  I  am  surprised  at  your  hilarity. 

Ch.  My  hilarity  ?  I  beg  your  pardon,  my  dear  Mrs.  Billowby, 
but  I  have  never  been  hilarious  since  I  became  a  resident  of  this 
wickedly  sinful  world. 

,    Mrs.  B.     And  such  a  sad  world,  too.     Ah,  Mr.  Cliuggs,  you 
have  never  known  what  it  is  to  lose  a  husband. 

Ch.     No  ;  I  never  lost  a  husband. 

Mrs.  B.  Some  people  fail  to  appreciate  the  joys  of  adversity. 
There's  Mrs.  May  fair  :  her  husband  has  been  dead  less  than 
two  years,  and  yet,  instead  of  tribulating  as  she  ought,  she  flies 
in  the  face  of  Providence  and  enjoys  life. 

Ch.     Shocking  !     Positively  shocking  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Isn't  it  ?  And  there's  my  son-in-law.  Ah,  Mr. 
Chuggs,  you  have  never,  never  known  what  it  is  to  be  a  mother- 
in-law. 

Ch.  No,  Mrs.  Billowby,  I  have  never,  7iever  been  a  mother- 
in-law. 

Mrs.  B.  Such  work  as  it  is.  My  daughter  is  a  lamb  who 
would  enjoy  the  sadness  and  sorrow  of  this  world  if  it  were  not 
for 'her  husband.  But  Thomas  Picton  is  a  heavy  burden  for  me. 
Ah.  if  I  only  had  some  strong  soul  to  lean  upon. 

Ch.  Why  resist  the  dictation  of  fate  t  Mrs.  Billowby — 
Anastasia — may  I  call  you  by  that  heavenly  cognomen  ?  Anas- 
tasia,  I  swear 

Mrs.  B.    Oh,  Mr.  Chuggs  1 


f  "■ 


THE   DOCTOR.  9 

Ch.     In  a  moral  way — I  swear (^Sees  Plunker  ;  aside.") 

Hang  that  Plunker  !  {Crosses  R. 

Enter  Plunker,  l. 

Mrs.  B.     Oh,  Mr.  Plunker  ! 

PL  \liinps).     Oh,  Mrs.  Billowby  ! 

Mrs.  B.     Are  you  so  badly  injured  ? 

PI.  Injured  ?  I'm  a  railroad  collision  and  a  steamboat  ex- 
plosion all  in  one. 

Mrs.  B.  I'm  so  sorry.  You  need  a  stimulant.  There's  some 
wine  in  the  dining-room.  Won't  you  please  run  and  fetch  it, 
Mr.  Chuggs  ? 

Ch.     I'll  fly-     {Aside.)     I  hope  it's  the  earthquake  variety. 

[Exit,  slowly,  R.  Cim^ 

PI.  (aside).     When  I  see  him  I  always  think  of  a  club.  T^Jr- 

Mrs.  B.     And  you  were  injured  while  endeavoring  to  serve  ^J 
me  !     Oh,  Mr.  Plunker,  I  can  never  forgive  myself.  {/^tA 

PL     My  dear  Mrs.  Billowby,  to  forgive  is  divine.  ^j 

Mrs.  B.     You  make  such  delightful  speeches.     Do  you  really  ***^>j 
think  me g.     ^ 

PL     Divine?     More  than   that — more   than  that.     Divinity y^jj^^ 
cuts  no  figure  with  you.  jf-r-' 

Mrs.  B.     Ah,  Mr.  Plunker  !  ^'^{f 

PL     Ah,  Mrs.  Billowby  !  Ct^ 

Mrs.  B.     You  flatter  poor  me.  ^  \/mi^M 

PL     Impossible.     Pierce  the   blue  dome   of  the  high-arched     .| 
heavens  ;  dive  into  the  bottomless  bottom  of  the  bottomless  sea,    jjAi 

and  yet  I   could    not  find    words  in  which  to  say {Sees    ' 

Chuggs.)     Oh,  blast  that  old  kangaroo  !  I. 

{Goes  L.  as  CHUGGS  enters  R.  with  decanter  and  glass.      '^ 

Ch.   (R.).     Here  you  are  ;  allow  me.  {Fills  glass. 

Mrs.  B.    (C,).     Thank  you  ;  allow  me. 

PL   {receives  glass  fro ;n  Mrs.  B.).     My  dear  njadam  ! 

Ch.   {holds  up  decanter  ;  aside).     It's  vinegar  ! 

PL     A  draught  from  this  fair  hand  is  like  unto  the  nectar  of 
the    gods  !      {Drinks.)       Ach  !      {Chokes.)      Gr-r-  !     ^oozh^f^M^ 
Yah  !     Gah  1     Ugh  !  {Staggers  to  seaLfl^ 

Mrs.  B.     What's  the  matter  ?  )vU^  ^KOk^ 

PL     The  gumgasted,  ugh,  yah,  vinegar  ! 

Mrs.  B.  a7id  Ch.     Vinegar  ? 

Enter  Effte,  r. 

Ef.     Why,  mamma,  what  is  the  matter  ? 

Mrs.  B.     The  professor  drank  some  vinegar  by  mistake 

Ch.  {half  aside).  And  astonished  his  stomach  as  though  it 
had  been  water  ! 


19,  THE  DOCTOR. 

Enter  Tom,  c,  with  numerous  bundles, 

^Ef.     Why,  Thomas,  what  a  load  ! 
Tom  (stajids  c).     Yes,  my  dear. 

Mrs.  B.  {rapidly).  Where  on  earth  have  you  been  so  long  ? 
Did  you  get  me  the  white  veil  and  match  the  Berlin  wool  ? 
Did. you  secure  a  copy  of  Mr.  Doleful's  last  sermon  on  scandal- 
mongers, and  did  you  investigate  that  story  about  Mrs.  High- 
flyer and  her  coachman  ?  And  you  brought  my  robe,  and  you 
gave  that  stupid  dressmaker  a  piece  of  my  mind  ? 
X^  Ef.  {rapidly).  And  you  looked  up  those  bargains  in  damask 
• — and  you  got  my  gloves — and  you  made  arrangements  for  our 

picnic — and  you 

Tom  {throws packages  on  table).  Yas.  Everything  is  there. 
Help  yourselves.  {Aside.)  Thank  heaven  Tony  Hopper  will 
be  here  to-day.     He'll  get  me  out  of  this  mess. 

[Mrs.  B.  and  Effie  at  table. 
■^      PI.     And  you  invested  in  the  Plunker  motor  stock  ? 

Tom.     No — d-damn   'f  I  did  !     I  draw  a  line  at  your  motor. 
Mrs.  B.  {cit  c.  with   large  package). .   I  suppose  this  is  my 

robe.     I  do  hope  it  will   fit,  for  I'm  sure {Opens  package 

displaying  pair  of  light-colored  trousers.)  Ah  !  {Screams 
and  Jlifigs  trousers  around  Plunker's  neck.)  Ah  !  Support 
me.  [Chugg's  catches  her. 

Ch.     Heavens  !     Support  me  ! 

[Plunker  backs  against  him. 
Ef.     Give  her  something — oh,  mamma  ! 

Tom.  Yas — g-give  her  something — oh,  mamma!  Here,  (/^^^j 
decanter,)  open  her  m- mouth,  somebody.  {Aside.)  It's  closed 
for  the  first  time  in  her  life.     Drink,  mamma  ! 

[She  swallows,  chokes,  sputters,  atid  stands  erect.    Chuggs 
and  Plunker  stagger  back,  glare  and  exeunt  R.  and  L. 
Mrs.  B.     You  w-wretch  ! 

\^Crosses  and  sits.     Effie  joins  her. 
Tom  {blankly).     What  in  b-blazes  have  I  done  now  ?    {Places 
decanter  ofi  table.)     Hello  !      {Looks  through  window.)     By 
.  J-Jove,  he's  arrived  ! 
^V   Ef.     Who.? 
C/^ '     Tom.     Tony  Hopper. 
^^^^  Ef.     Tony' Hopper  ?     Who  is  he  ? 

Tom.  The  best  fellow  that  ever  lived,  and  a  man  every  inch 
of  him. 

DiL  {qfC).     Tom,  old  boy  ! 
Tom  {at  C).     This  way  ! 

[Exit  C,  re-entering  immediately  with  DiLLINGTON 
Hopper. 
Dil.     Tom  ! 
T««.     Let's  have  a  look  at  you.    Jove  !    N-natural  as  ever. 


THE   DOCTOk.  ti 

• 
Bil.     The  same  old  coon,  my  boy. 
Tom.     Not  married  ? 
Dil.     No,  thank  heaven  ! 
Mrs.  B.      Oh  ! 
Dil.     Eh  ? 

Tom.     Hush — I  am  !     Allow  me.     Mrs.   Billowby,  Effie,   my 
dear,    let   me    present   my   oldest   and    best  friend,  Dillington 
i.     Hopper,  Of  New  York. 

Dil.     Ladies,  your  devoted.     Mrs.  Picton,   you  are  a  living 
witness  of  Tom's  rare  taste  and  better  luck.     But  he  always 
was  a  devil  of  a  fellow  among  the  ladies. 
^  Ef.  and  Mrs.  B.     Oh  ! 
Dil.     Eh? 

Tom  {aside).     Confound  him  ! 
Dil.     Aren't  you  well,  Mrs.  Billowby  ? 
\      Mrs.  B.     I'm  nearly  dead. 
^  Ef.     Tom  gave  dear  mamma  something  that  disagreed  with 
her. 

Tom  {aside).  And  dear  mamma  always  disagrees  with 
me. 

Dil.  {to  Mrs.  B.).  My  dear  madam,  you  should  not  mind  a 
little  thing  like  that.  When  you  know  Tom  as  well  as  1  do, 
you  will  not  be  surprised  at  anything  he  does.  These  quiet 
fellows  are  always  the  worst  reprobates.  {To  TOM.)  I  know 
you  of  old,  you  sinner  ! 

Mrs.  B.  {horrified).     What  do  I  hear  ? 
^  Ef.     My  husband  a  sinner  ? 

Tom  {to  Dil.).     For  heaven's  sake  let  up. 
Dil.     It's  all  right,  ladies — fact,  I  assure  you.     No  doubt  Tom 
has  sown  his  wild  oats  before  this. 

Mrs.  B.  I  watch  Mr.  Picton's  morals,  sir,  as  closely  as  I  do 
my  own. 

Dil.  Then  1  am  sure  that  with  such  a  guiding  hand  he  never 
strays.  I  am  glad  that  he  has  reformed,  but  it  is  nothing  short 
of  a  miracle. 

x;  Ef.     Was  he  really  so  dreadfully  dreadful  ? 
Mrs.  B.     Effie  ! 

Dil.  Dreadful  ?  He  was  simply — I  say,  Tom,  do  you  re- 
member  

Tom.     Yas — never  mind. 
\  Ef.     Go  on,  Mr.  Hopper  ! 

Dil.     — that  night  at  the  masquerade  ball  when  you  danced 

the 

\,     Tom.     I'll  m-murder  you  ! 

^  Ef.     Go  on,  Mr.  Hopper,  go  on  ! 
N,      DiL     When  you  danced  the  what-you-may-call-it  1 
\  Bt     Oh ! 


If  THE   DOCTOR. 

• 

Mrs.  B.     My  poor,    precious  lamb,    I  greatly  fear  that  you 
,     have  been  deceived  in  Mr.  Thomas  Picton. 
X    Ef.     To  think  that  my  husband  ever  danced  the  what — {sods) 
what — what-you-may-call-it  ! 

Mrs.  B.  I  shall  demand  a  full  explanation,  Mr.  Thomas 
Picton,  regarding  that  what-you-may-call-it  !     Come,  my  poor,  < 

dear,  injured  innocence  !  {They  exeunt  R./Wk^Bi 

Dil.     It  strikes  me  that  I've  put  my  foot  in  it.  YdJLu  J? 

Tom  {seated).     You've  played  the  very  d-devil  with  me.        ^v5 

Dil.  My  dear  fellow,  if  I've  got  you  into  a  scrape  I  must  pull 
you  out  somehow.  Let  me  diagnose  your  case.  (Enter  Mrs. 
B.,  R.)  Place  yourself  in  my  hands,  make  me  your  doctor,  and 
I  will  guarantee  to  cure  anything  from  a  tit  of  the  blues  to  a  bad 
conscience. 

Mrs.  B.  A  doctor  ?  Excuse  me,  Mr.  Hopper,  but  did  I 
understand  that  you're  a  doctor  t 

Dil.     Madam,  I 

Tom  {to  him).     S-say  yas. 

Dil.     Certainly,  madam. 

Tom  {aside).     Now  I've  g-got  him  ! 

Mrs.  B.  I  am  overjoyed  to  hear  it,  for  I  am  so  dreadfully 
delicate.     Then  I  may  depend  on  your  services  ? 

Dil.     Certainly  you  may.     {Aside.)     Here's  a  go  ! 

Tom  {aside).     Now  I  have  g-got  him  ! 

Mrs.  B.  I  must  consult  you  regarding  myself — describe  my 
symptoms,  you  know. 

i)il.   {aside).  O  Lord  !    She's  going  to  describe  her  symptoms  ! 

Mrs.  B.  And  my  daughter  isn't  very  well.  I  want  you  to 
find  out  what  is  the  matter  with  her. 

DiL   {cheerfully).     All  right. 

Tom  {aside).     I'll  be  d-damned  if  he  does  ! 

Mrs.  B.     And  is  my  son-in-law  threatened  with  disease  ? 

Dil.  Threatened  ?  My  dear  Mrs.  Billowby,  I  fear  that  he  is 
doomed  to  die  if  he  lives  long  enough,  and  possibly  if  he  doesn't. 
I  was  about  looking  him  over  as  you  came  in.  Now,  my  poor 
friend,  let  me  see  your  tongue. 

Tom.     Oh,  come  now,  I  s-say 

Dil.  No  words!  Come!  (YoiA  shows  tongue.)  More!  Still 
more!  More  yet !  All  of  it!  {Feels  pulse.)  Ah — too  bad,  too 
bad,  too  bad  ! 

Mrs.  B.     What  is  it,  doctor  ? 

Dil.  Just  as  I  feared,  just  as  I  feared.  The  specific  genu- 
flections of  the  lymphatic  dactyls  indicate  a  marked  inflexibility 
of  the  dia-pho-ret-ico-pan-tha-ca-thol-icon  !     Do  you  follow  me  ? 

Mrs.  B.     Mercy  on  us  ! 

Tom.     Is  it  catching  ? 

DiL     Moreover  there  is  a  predisposition  towards  an  acute 


THE  DOCTOR.  I J 

inflammation  of  the  thalami  nevoruin  opticorum  !  This,  if  not 
checked,  will  eventually  lead  to  consumption,  rheumatism,  fits, 
intemperance,  insanity,  corns,  bunions  and  poor  health  !  Do 
you  follow  me  ? 

Mrs.  B.     Oh,  doctor  !     Is  there  danger  ? 

Dil.  Danger,  my  dear  Mrs.  Billowby  ?  Danger  ?  Why,  my 
dear  madam,  if  life  should  cease  he  would  die  at  once  ! 

Mrs.  B.  If  life  should  suddenly  cease  he  would  die  at  once  ! 
Oh,  doctor,  what  is  to  be  done  ? 

Dil.  I  think  we  better  soak  his  head,  put  mustard  plasters 
on  his  feet  and  send  for  the  undertaker. 

Tom.     You  had  ?      Now  I  can't  see  the  joke  in  that. 

Dil.     After  all,  the  old  treatment  may  be  best. 

Mrs.  B.     The  old  treatment  ? 

Tom  {aside).     What's  c-coming  now  ? 

Dil.  There  are  people  so  constituted  that  excitement  is  neces- 
sary to  preserve  their  health.  My  poor  friend  is  one  of  these 
unfortunates.  Therefore  when  he  drank  champagne  and 
danced  the  what-you-may-call-it 

Mrs.  B.     In  a  moral  way  ? 

Dil.      Why,  certainly — he  was  then  following  my  directions. 

Tom.     You're  a  b-brick  !  ^ 

Mrs.  B.  How  much  we  are  indebted  to  yod,  doctor,. and. how 
modestly  you  speak  of  it. 

Dil.  My  dear  madam,  you  overpower  me.  I  certainly  am 
very  modest,  though  I  strive  to  conceal  the  fact  ! 

Tom  {aside).     O  Jupiter  ! 

Dil.  If  you  will  excuse  us  for  a  short  time  I  will  continue 
my  examination,  as  I  wish  to  learn  whether  I  must  prescribe  the 
old  round  of  excitement — in  a  moral  way. 

Mrs.  B.  {goes  L.).  Very  well.  {Aside.)  Isn't  he  delightful  ! 
And  a  doctor,  too!  Ah  me  !  I'm  sure  that  my  heart  is  af- 
fected. [Exit  L. 

Dil.  Now,  my  boy,  you  wrote  that  you're  in  trouble.  What's 
the  matter  ? 

Tom.  My  mother-in-law%  and  I've  g-got  her  bad.  Tony,  old 
man,  if  ever  you  have  the  choice  between  marrying  a  girl 
with  a  m-mother  and  jumping  off  the  dock,  don't  hesitate — 
j-Jump.- 

DiL      Poor  devil  !     Why  not  make  a  tremendous  kick  ? 

Tom.  It's  all  right  to  t-talk,  but  how's  a  fellow  to  kick  with 
both  l-legs  tied  down  ? 

Dil.  You  iiave  got  me  into  trouble  very  likely  by  making  me 
a  doctor.     At  the  same  time,  if  I  can  help  you  I  will. 

Tom.     You  can,  and  it's  dead  easy.     Marry  m-mamma. 

Dil.     Marry  Beelzebub  ! 

Tom.     We  won't  argue  that.     She's  rich,  good-looking,  on 


/  ^^/OA^M/    (ir<^'^   '  -.    --  ^  --X 


i4  THE    DOCtOR. 

the  right  side  of  forty,  warranted  sound,  and  g-guaranteed  not 
to  shy. 

Dil.     But,  my  dear  fellow 

.Tom.     Oh,  she'll  have  you. 

Dil.     But  I  don't  want  her. 

Tom.     Very  well — then  t-take  her  out  and  lose  her.     Is  it  a  go? 

Dil.  I  should  say  not.  It's  an  utter  impossibility.  I'll  be 
your  friend  forever,  but  hang  me  if  I'll  be  your  father. 

Tom.     Then  I  may  as  well  b-blow  out  my  brains. 

Dil.      Don't.      It  might  kill  you. 

Tom.      Yas — I  never  thought  of  that. 

Dil.  Look  here,  Tom.  You  have  made  me  a  doctor  in  spite 
of  myselt.  Very  good.  Now  the  desf  thing  is  to  prescribe  for 
you  in  earnest. 

Tom.     Yes — but  I  can't  see  the  joke  in  that. 

Dil.  It's  no  joke.  You  may  live  through  it  ;  if  not,  I'll  do 
what  I  can  to  make  your  last  hours  easy.  And  if  you  die,  you 
will  certainly  get  rid  of  your  mother-in-law.  [Tkejy  go  R. 

Tom.     Yas — that's  one  comfort. 

Dil.  All  right.  Then  we'll  rehearse  our  little  drama  "  The 
Broker  Turned  Do^tor.^r  the  Son-in-Law's  Revenge  !  " 

[Exeunt  R. 

.e 

iter  Mrs.  Billowby,  l. 


roKer  lurneo  uocior,x>i 


Mrs.  B.  Dear  me,  I  wish  he  would  finish  with  Tom,  for  I 
want  to  see  about (Looks  through  window.)  Good  gra- 
cious !  If  there  isn't  that  human  cyclone,  Fanny  Mayfair,  rushing 
up  the  steps  in  her  usual  whirlwind  manner.  It's  positively 
outrageous  the  way  she  races  through  life.     I  can't  endure  her. 

Enter  Fanny  Mayfair,  c. 

Fan.     Anastasia  ! 

Mrs.  B.     Fanny  !     {Embrace.)     I'm  so  glad  to  see  you. 

Fan.  I  thought  I'd  surprise  you,  my  dear,  so  I  had  my  groom 
saddle  the  Devil 

Mrs.  B.      Fanny ! 

Fan.  That's  my  horse — Dare  Devil  ;  I  usually  drop  the  pre- 
fix. I  wish  you  would  have  your  men  cautioned  to  look  out  for 
him.     He's  playful  with  his  heels.     Where's  Tom  ? 

Mrs.  B.     Closeted  with  his  physician — a  brilliant  man. 

Fan.     Is  Tom  sick  ? 

Mrs.  B.  Very  likely.  We  don't  know  for  certain.  The  doc- 
tor is  trying  to  find  out. 

Fan.  Indeed  ?  I  should  like  to  meet  this  brilliant  doctor. 
{Aside.)     I'll  bet  he's  a  regular  quack. 

Mrs.  B.     Here  he  comes  now.  [Fanny  turns  L. 


•THE  DOCTOfU  t5 

Enter  Hopper,  r. 

Mrs,  B.     Oh,  doctor,  how  is  he  ? 

DiL     'Sh  !     Keep  quiet.     I'll  tell  you  shortly. 

Mrs.  B.  Very  well.  Excuse  me,  doctor,  but  here  is  a  lady 
who  wishes  to  know  you. 

Fan.  {aside).     Oh,  the  spiteful  thing  ! 

Dil.     I  shall  be  delighted. 

Mrs.  B.     Mrs.  Mayfair — Dr.  Dillington  Hopper. 

Dil.  {aside).     Fanny  !     Now  for  an  earthquake  ! 

Fan.  {aside).     Tom  !     Well,  I  never  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Fanny  dear,  will  you  kindly  entertain  the  doctor 
while  I  go  look  for  Eftie  ? 

Fan.  (L.).     Don't  be  long. 

Mrs.  B.     I  will  not.     {Up  c.)     Catch  me  leaving  that  inno-   jj 
cent  young  man  very  long  with  her.  [Exit  C  ffl  \ 

Dil.  (R-).     This  is  an  odd  meeting,  Mrs.  Fanny  Mayfair.  /f 

Fan.  Very  odd  indeed.  Doctor 'DWYmgion  Hopper  !  Ha,  ha, 
ha  1     What  a  delicious  fraud  you  are  ! 

Dil.     I  dare  say. 

Fan.     Then  you  admit 

Dil.  That  I  am  playing  the  doctor  ?  Certainly.  I  assumed 
the  role  to  help  Tom. 

Fan.     Is  Tom  in  trouble  ? 

Dil.     Yes— he's  married. 

Fan.     Happy  man  ! 

Dil.  Well — he'll  serve  as  an  awful  warning.  See  what  J 
might  have  been  if  you  had  not  so  shamefully  ill-used  me. 

Fan.     I  ?     Well,  if  that  isn't  impudence  ! 

Dil.     Oh,  deny  it,  deny  it,  of  course. 

Fan.     Certainly  I  do.     It  was  yoii,  sir,  who  ill-used  me, 

Dil.     What  charming  assurance  ! 

Fan.     Were  you  not  insanely  jealous  ? 

Dil.     Didn't  you  flirt  with  every  fool  you  met  ? 

Fan.     I  never  flirted  with  you. 

Dil.  Good  reason  why  :  1  wouldn't  let  a  coquette  make  a 
blooming  idiot  of  me. 

Fan.     No,  for  nature  kindly  spared  the  coquette  that  trouble. 

Dil.  Married  life  has  sharpened  your  tongue,  Mrs.  Fanny 
Mayfair. 

Fan.  And  single  life  your  temper,  Doctor  Dillington  Hopper. 
But  there  :  we  quarrelled  when  we  last  met.  Now  let  us  patch 
up  a  truce.  Come — be  pleasant,  and  I  will  promise  to  flirt  with 
nobody  else  forever  so  long — a  whole  hour  at  least. 

Dil.  You  have  not  changed  a  particle.  You  are  the  same 
heartless,  heedless,  beautiful,  lovable  mystery  as  ever. 

Fan.     And  you  are  the  same  quick-tempered,  good-hearted, 


1 6  THB  DOCTOR. 


<»vC. 


handsome,  dashing  man  about  town  that  you  always  were. 
Am  I  not  right. 

Dil.      A  lovely  woman  is  always  right. 

Fan.     Good — then  we're  friends  again  ?. 

Dil.  Friends  ?  My  dear  Fanny,  I'll  not  stop  at  friendship, 
for 


Fan.  Ah  !  Remember,  I'm  the  same  "  heedless,  heart- 
less " 

Dil.     I  never  meant  a  word  of  it. 

Fan.     Beautiful,  lovable 

Dil.     I  mean — I  meant — I — oh,  hang  it  all  ! 

Fan.     We  shall  see.     But  how  about  Tom  ? 

Dil.  Poor  devil.  You  see  he  has  a  mother-in-law  and  sev- 
eral other  birds  of  prey  fastened  to  him.  By  a  lucky  inspiration 
I'm  made  a  doctor.  I  make  him  sick,  scare  away  the  birds, 
and  Tom  is  himself  again.  Love,  joy,  peace,  slow  fire,  red  cur- 
tain, tumti  tumti,  bing,  bang,  bung,  like  Wagner's  music — bet- 
ter than  it  sounds. 

Fan.     Bravo  ! 

Dil.     Good  scheme,  eh  ? 

Fan.  Splendid  !  Oh,  what  a  lark  !  Count  me  in,  I'll  be  your 
partner. 

Dil.     For  life  ? 

Fan,     Hush — here  comes  Effie. 

Dil.  Then  I'll  look  after  Tom.  Remember  now,  you  must 
help  me  out. 

Fan.    All  right.  [Dil.  exit  R. 

Enter  Effie,  c. 

Fan.     My  dear  Effie.  [Embrace, 

"^s  EJP.     What  an  age  since  we  met  !  {They  sit. 

Fan.     And  so  you  are  married.     How  does  it  seem  ? 
^    Ef.     Well — it's — er — nice  and  all  that,  and  Tom  is  just  splendid 
—but — you  see • 

Fan.     I  see.     Every  couple  is  not  a  pair. 
.^    Ef.     It  isn't  that.     We  get  along  nicely — we  agree  in  ev^ery- 
thing,  tor  dear  Tom  always  agrees  with  me.     But  I  am  afraid 
that  he  considers  dear  mamma  something  of  a — a 

Fan.     Nuisance  ? 

Ef.     Well 

Fan.     My  love,  did  Tom  marry  you  or  your  mother  ? 

Ef.  The  idea  !  But  you  see,  Fanny  dear,  Tom  is  not  literary, 
and  mamma  is  helping  me  cultivate  him. 

Fan.     Don't  you  do  it. 
~~^  Ef.     Why  not  ? 

Fan,     My  dear  Effie,  I  have  been  a  woman  for  several  years. 


^  THE    DOCTOR.  1 7 

During  that  time  I  have  made  a  very  careful  study  of  that  in- 
teresting* animal  we  call  man. 
V  Ef.     Yes— well  ? 

Fan.  The  average  man  is  vainer  than  a  peacock.  If  a  woman 
is  bright  and  pretty  he  admires  her,  provided  she  knows  less, 
or  pretends  to  know  less,  than  himself.  But  the  moment  that  she 
assumes  an  air  of  superior  wisdom  his  vanity  is  touched  and  he 
bolts.     By  the  way,  what  visitors  have  you  ? 

Ef.     Dr.  Hopper  for  one — and  Mr.  Chuggs,  a  philanthropist. 
Yes — he  gives  away  other  people's  money. 
Prof.  Plunker,  the  inventor,  is  here  also. 
And  the   Plunker   still -flourishes  ?     I   thought  he  was 

Oh,  no.     He  resides  in  ¥n u'ldtl^iar^ 
And  pray  what  is  the  difference  ? 
{outside).     It's  ridiculous,  sir,  ridiculous. 
{outside).     Science,  sir,js  never  ridiculous. 

Here  they  come,  and  quarrelling  as  usual. 

Enter  Chuggs  ^w^^Plunker,  c.  ^ 

Ch.     I  tell  you  it's  an  impossible  humbug,  sir  ! 
PI.     It's  no  such  thing,  sir. 
^.  Ef.     Oh,  dear  !     Fanny,  allow  me.     Mr.  Chuggs,  Prof.  Plun- 
ker— Mrs.  Maytair.  \All  bow  very  loixf. 
Ch.  (R.).     Most  happy  to  meet  you,  Mrs.  Mayfair. 
PI.  (L.).     Delighted  Ijeyond  measure,  Mrs.  Mayfair. 

Ch.     Happiest  moment  of  my ) 

PI.     I  assure  you  that j 

\Together.     Approach,  bowing,  collide,  glare, 
and  go  up  R.  a?td  l.. 
Fan.  (C).     It's  a  dead  heat !     All  bets  are  off ! 
^Ef,     Ah,  you  rogue  !     Two  fresh  victims. 

Fan.     Stuff!     Do  you  call  those  fresh  ?  {They  go  up  c. 


Enter  Mrs.  Billowby,  c. 


f/A 


Mrs.  B.     Oh  dear !  oh  dear  !  ' '  \Sobs.  f^^ 


Ef.     What  is  the  matter,  mamma  ? 
Mrs.  B.     It's  Tom  and  the — the — cat ! 
Fan.     Tom  and  the  cat  1 
Ch.     She  means  the  Thomas  cat. 
PI.     Maybe  he  saw  a  mouse. 
"^^  Fan.  aiid  Ef.     A  mouse  ?     Oh-h  !  {They  get  on  chairs. 

Mrs.  B.      No — there  was  no  m-m-mouse. 
Fan.     Then  what's  all  this  fuss  about  ?  {Comes  do7un  C. 

Mrs.  B.     He  was  on  the  table 

Fan.     Who,  Tom  ? 

Mrs.  B.     No,  the  cat.     And  he  ate  up  all  the  d-devil 

2  \  ■ 


okI 


1 8  THE   DOCTOR. 

PI.     The  devil  ? 

Mrs.  B.  No,  sir  !  The  devilled  crabs.  And  he's  got  the 
consumption,  too  ! 

Fan.     Who  ? — the  cat  ? 

Mrs.  B.  No — Tom.  The  doctor  says  he'll  surely  die.  And 
when  he  saw  me -coming  he  growled  and  humped  up  his  back, 
and 

Omnes.       Wh o —  Tom  ? 

Mrs.  B.  {crossly).     No — the  cat. 

PI.  {aside).     Oh,  rats  ! 

Enter  Hopper  and  Tom,  c. 

Dil.  {supportitig  Tom).     Easy,  my  poor  friend,  easy  now. 

Ef.     Oh,  doctor  !  [DiL.  helps  ToM  to  seat. 

Dil.     Sh  !     Keep  quiet— don't  excite  him. 

Ef.     Is  he 

Dil.     He  is.     It's  a  desperate  case.     Keep  quiet. 

Ch.     But  what  ails  him  ? 

Dil.  A  more  or  less  complicated  variety  of  disorders.  I  fear 
that  he  is  a  mere  shell  as  it  were,  full  of  deadly  material  and 
liable  to  explode  at  any  time.  His  drooping  figure — {To  Tom.) 
Droop,  droop  ! — his  drooping  figure  indicates  a  sudden  failing  of 
the  vital  powers.  His  sad  looks — {To  Tom.)  Look  sad,  look  sad 
— his  sad  looks  show  that  at  best  he  fears  the  worst.  Besides 
that,  his  consumptive  cough — cough,  confound  you,  cough  ! 
(Tom  coughs.)  Don't  be  alarmed,  don't  be  alarmed.  {To  Tom.) 
Keep  it  up,  keep  it  up  ! 

Ef.     Oh,  doctor,  do  you — is  there  any  danger  ? 

Dil.  No  doubt  of  it,  especially  if  it  runs  into  sm^ll-pox  or 
yellow  fever, 

Ch.  aftd  PI.     Small-pox  ?  [They  bolt  for  c.  D. 

Dil.      Hold  on  now,  hold  on.     It  hasn't  gone  that  far — yet. 

Mrs.  B.     Then  you  can  save  him  ? 

Dil.  Save  him,  my  dear  madam  ?  Why,  certainly.  Consump- 
tion is  my  hobby,  and  I  may  say  without  boasting  that  I  never 
lost  a  case. 

Tom  {aside).     I'll  swear  to  that. 

Ch.  {aside).     What  gorgeous  liars  these  doctors  are  ! 
\  Ef.     But  this  is  an  unusual  case,  is  it  not  .'' 

Dil.     Very  unusual.     I  never  saw  one  like  it  before. 

Tom  {aside).     I'll  swear  to  that. 

Dil.  Still  I  have  seen  others  equally  bad.  I  recall  one  of 
more  than  forty  years'  standing.  He  had  taken  more  than  a 
hundred  varieties  of  sure  cure  for  consumption,  and  therefore 
was  nearly  dead.  He  was  very  weak — couldn't  hold  his  breath 
without  dropping  it,  and  his  voice  fell  whenever  he  spoke. 
Lungs  all  gone,  too — breathed  through  his  giUs  like  a  fish. 


fU^ff^J^ 


THE   DOCTOR.  I9 


Mrs.  B.     And  you  cured  him  ? 

Dil.  Cured  him  ?  I  think  yes.  So  thoroughly  that  nobody 
knew  him.  Had  to  get  out  a  writ  of  habeas  corpus  to  prove 
who  he  was. 

PI.   {aside).     Oh,  if  I  could  only  lie  like  that ! 
Dil.     Tom  will  recover  if  my  orders  are  strictly  obeyed. 
\  Ef.     They  shall  be. 

Dil.     But  if  opposition  arises 

Mrs,  B.     I'll  sit  down  on  any  opposition. 
Tom  {aside).     I  p-pity  the  opposition  ! 

Dil.     Tom  needs  absolute  quiet.     Nobody  can  remain  here 
except  his  wife,  the  servants  and  myself. 
«^.  Ef.     Not  even  mamma  ? 
Dil.     Not  even  mamma, 
Mrs.  B.     But  really,  doctor,  /must  remain. 
Ch.     Yes,  doctor,  we  must  remain, 

Tom.     O  Lord — the  d-devil — I  say 

Dil.     Hush !     Tom   has  another  attack.     It's  a  chill.     He's 
all  in  a  shiver.     {To  Tom.)     Shiver  now,  shiver  ! 
Tom.     I  c-can't.     It's  too  blamed  hot. 

Fan.  Run — everybody  run — hurry  !  Get  hot  water — liquor 
— flannel — something,  anything,  everything  ! 

Dil.  Yes,  yes  !  Hurry  !  (77?  Tom.)  Shiver,  confound  you  ! 
— Hurry  up  !  It's  a  case  of  life  and  death  !  {To  Tom.)  Keep  it 
up,  keep  it  up  ! 

S^GeneraTinovejnent.      Mrs.    B.     aiid  Effie   run   off  R. 

Chuggs  and  Plunker  start  L,,  tumble  over  each  otj 

rise,  glare,  shake  their  fists  a  «</ exeunt  L.    IKfrS, 

Tom.     I  s-say — do  you  mean  to  roast  me  ?  irffCl'y 

Fan.     No,  it's  only  a  ruse.  "uTrnfCtHf^.j 

Dil.     We've  won  the  day  !  U.u^^  iMtii 

Fan.     Hurrah  for  us  !  oT^       «*^    ♦»• 

Tom.     I  believe  I'm  c-cured  !  '^^*^ '**^Lt£i 

\Jumps  up  J  all  join  in  dance.      When  at  its  heighi^^'^^^s^ 

Enter  Omnes,  R.  and  l.,  carrying  pillows,  blankets,  etc.      0      ^ 

Mrs.  B.     Ah  !  [Screams  and  drops  bundle.  V4M/W 

Ch.     Sold!  H^^ 

PI.     Another  speculation  busted  ! 

Mrs.  B.     Support  me  !  [Staggers. 

Fan.     Everybody  faint ! 

[Brisk  movement.  Fanny  a7id  Effie  fall  into  Hopper's 
arms.  He  tosses  Effie  to  Tom.  Mrs.  Billowby/«//j 
into  Chuggs'  arms,  who  staggers  against  Plunker, 
knocking  him  down.  Chuggs  falls  into  chair  with 
Mrs.  B.,   who  springs  up  indignaiitly, 

CURTAIN. 


iKawofa^c^Mr^,"-*^'    (ia@^ 


20  THE    DOCTOR. 


ACT  11. 

Scene. —  Woodland.  Full  stage.  Sunlight  effects.  Wings 
and  sinks  trees  and  foliage.  Set  rocks  up  i..  Stu7np  of  tree 
R.  Mossy  bank  L.  Cloth  spread  c,  with  remnant  of 
luncheon.  jUaI^I^ 

Discover  Mrs.  Billowby  seated  c,  eating  j  Chuggs  ancr 
Plunker  beside  her,  drinking  wine ;  Mrs.  MayfairA7;/^/ 
Effie   on    bank.      Tom    on    stump.      Introduce   song  and 
chorus. 

Ch.  Now  I  call  this  enjoying  life.  Here  we  are  in  tlie  breezy 
woods,  far  from  the  maddening  crowd,  taking  pleasure  in 
moderation.  [Drinks. 

Mrs.  B.     Mr.  Chuggs,  a  toast,  a  toast  ! 
--^  All.     Hear,  hear  ! 

Ch.  {raising glass).  A  warm  friend  and  a  jolly  one  ;  a  true 
wife  and  a  pretty  one  ;  a  good  drink  {drinks)  and  another  or^^.. 

[Drin/es. 
\  All.     Bravo  !  [Chuggs  and  Plunker  stroll  up 

N^  Ef.     Tom,  mamma  wants  you. 

Tom.  Yes,  my  dear.  {Aside.)  It's  no  use.  Tony's  scheme 
wasn't  worth  a  c-continental.  I've  got  that  nightmare  worse 
than  ever,  ^Crosses  to  MRS.  B. 

Mrs.  B.     Where  is  the  doctor  ? 

[Mrs.  Mayfair  strolls  up  l. 

Tom.     He  stopped  for  a  little  shooting  down  by  the  lake. 

Mrs.  B.   {haftds  to  ears).     Shooting  !     Oh  ! 

Tom.  'You're  all  right.  {Aside.)  He  isn't  h-hunting  for 
cats  ! 

Fan.     What  does  he  expect  to  shoot  ? 

PL  A  ram-slam  mosquito  maybe.  They're  big  as  geese  out 
here. 

Tom.     Or  a  spider.     There's  a  big  one  on  you. 

Mrs.  B.    irisiiig).     Ouch!     Wooch  !     Take  it  off!     Kill  it ! 

Tom.     It's  all  right.     You've  scared  it  to  death. 

[  Joins  Effie. 

Fan.   {seated  on  stump).     I'm  choking  with  thirst. 

Mrs.  B.    So  am  I. 

PI,   {grabs  bottle  from  basket).     Champagne,  Mrs.  Mayfair? 

Ch.   {same  business).     Claret,  Mrs.  Billowby  ? 

Fan.      I  want  claret. 

PI.     Certainly,  my  dear  madam  ! 

[Takes  bottle  from  Chuggs. 

Ch.    Well,  that's  cool  1  [Plunker  fills  Fanny's  glass. 

Tom.     And  he  looks  h-hot ! 


THE   DOCTOR.  21' 

PI.     Of  course  it's  cool.     Do  you  suppose  I  would  give  a  lady 
warm  claret  ? 

Ch.     You — you  speculative  old  humbug  ! 

PL   {furiously).     You — you — you — wretched  old  gy-gy 

Tom.     He's  calling  you  a  g-guy  ! 

PI.     Gyasticus  !  \They  go  up,  quarrelling. 

^  Ef.     Oh,  Tom,  don't  let  them  fight. 

Tom.     No  danger.     One's  atraid,  and  the  other  d-dassent. 
Mrs.  B.     Well,  must  I  perish  from  thirst  ? 

[Holds  up  glass.     Chuggs  and  Plunker    both  pout 
wine  into  it. 
Tom.     Hello  !     Mamma's  taking  it  mixed  ! 
Ch.   {fills  another  glass  for  MRS.  B.).     I'll  be  a  Nemesis  to 
old  Plunker  ! 

PI.  {aside).     I'll  certainly  destroy  that  old  mummy  ! 

[They  go  up. 
JSIrs.  B.     Tom  ' 
Tom,     Yas  ? 

Mrs.  B.     What  are  those  giddy  men  about  ? 
Fan.     About  three  sheets  in  the  wind. 

Tom.     They're  a  couple  of  t'-fool  dogs,  fighting  over  a  bone. 
Mrs.  B.     Thomas  Picton,  I'm  no  bone  !  ?nW-4^^^ 

PL     I'll  give  you  a  push  in  the  face,  sir.  yJiji^^ 

Ch.     You're — 'ic — liar,  sir.     I  demand  satisfaction  due  gentle-  Q^'^^ 
man,  sir.  ^ 

PL  {flourishiiig  bottle).     Come — 'ic — come 'n' get  it. 
Ch.   {bottle  in  each  hand).     Yesser — 'ic — yesser  ! 

\They  exeunt  l.  u.  e.  ^XT^ 
Mrs.  B.  Thomas  Picton,  run  after  those  men.  Stop  them.  \kjt  ^ 
Tom.     Yas.  {Strolls  up  L.  1^2''% 

Mrs.  B.     Do  hurry.    They'll  both  kill  each  other  !  /Wl^il 

Tom.     No  such  good  luck  as  that.  ^ 

\  [Exit  slowly  L.  u.  ¥..,  followed  by  Mrs.  B.  /diK>& 

Ef.     Fanny  dear  !  J  M  ^ 

Fan  [d-own  c).     What  is  it  ?  to      aT* 

^Ef.     Do  you  really  think  Tom  is  sick  ?  /wi4^  HtAttfff-* 

Fan.     Desperately.  'H^Jtu  J  //" 

■^Ef.     He  seemed  lively  enough  yesterday.  ^J^<n« 

'    Fan.     Temporary  excitement,  my  dear.     He  was  overjoyed 
'^,j0.i  the  prospect  of  being  alone  with  you,  ^^^MUNW  /UU(  PiuM^ 

Enter  Tom.  l.  u.  e.  ^h2L  ks^^t.  |^ 

^Ef.     Oh,  Tom,  are  they  fighting?  >*gr     riLW-'   -^^ 

Tom.     Notn-now.  Y^**^****^  ^^' 

Fan.     What  then  ?  WMd  « 

Tom.     Running  a  f-footrace. 
^  El     With  whom  ? 


j(/^*^  /Kju(^  i,M^  C,  y^^,  Hi^tTA.  • 


22  THE  DOCTOR. 

Tom.  With  an  infuriated  gentleman  cow.  (Mrs.  B.  screams.) 
There.     Mamma  has  sounded  an  alarm  ! 

[Mrs.  Billowby  runs  on  L.  u.  E. 

Mrs.  B.  Save  them,  Thomas,  save  them  !  (Chuggs  and 
Plunker  j^//^L.  u.  E.)  Oh!  {Shot  fired.  All  go  up)  Some- 
body's killed  !     I — f  know  I  shall  faint. 

Tom.     Wait  till  Chuggs  gets  here. 

Fan.     Here  comes  a  part  of  him. 

Enter  Chuggs  ^z^^^^Plunker,  l.  u.  e.  to  c,  supporting  each 
other,  gasping  Jor  breath,  clothing  torn,  no  hats. 

Tom.      They  look  like  a  couple  of  baseball  umpires. 
^Ef.     Are  you  hurt  ? 

[They  groan.     Sit  on  stump,  back  to  back. 
Mrs.  B.     Are  you  killed  .?  [Groans. 

PI.     I  was  taking  care  of  Chuggs. 
Ch.     And  I  was  defending  Plunker. 
Tom.     Yas — and  your  legs  were  t-taking  care  of  you  both. 

Enter  Hopper  in  hunting  costume,  with  gun,  etc.,  l,  u.  e. 

*^Ef.     Oh,  doctor,  you  shot  the  cow  ? 

Dil.     Yes,  I  shot  the  cow — and  the  cow  was  a  bull  ;  however, 
■  that's  immaterial. 

Ch.  {dis?nally).     I  want  my  hat. 

PI.     So  do  I. 

Dil.     Go  and  get  them — the  cow  won't  kick. 

Mrs.  B.     We  will  go  with  you,  won't  we,  Fanny  ? 

Fan.     To  be  sure.     Come,  professor.      [They  exennt  L.  u.  E. 

Mrs.  B.     Now,  Mr.  Chuggs.  [Helps  him  to  rise, 

Ch.     What  an  angel  you  are,  my  dear  Mrs.  Billowby  ! 

Mrs.  B.  {going  up  l.).     Then  there's  a  pair  of  us,  Mr.  Chuggs. 

[Exit  L.  U.  E. 

Tom.     Moses  ! 
"^  Ef.     I  want  to  go  fishing.     Come,  Tom,  I  want  you  to  bait 
my  hook. 
'  Tom.     What's  the  use  ?     There's  nothing  but  bull-heads  in 
the  lake. 
~~  Ef.     Yes  !     Then  you  keep  away  from  the  water.        [Exit  R.-^ 

Tom.     Well,  I— I  like  that !  [Exit  R./fi|\ 

Dil.     Things    are    getting    decidedly    warm    here.      {Lights y^ 
cigar.)     The  old  lady  insists  on  describing  her  ailments  with  a^j 
minuteness  that  is  simply  awful.     What  a  circus  there  will  be  \% 
if  she  discovers  that  I'm  no  doctor.     I  ought  to  jump  out  before 
things  tumble,  yet  I  hate  to  leave  Tom  in  a  slump.     What  the 
devil  can  I  do  ?     Let-— me — see.     Eh  ?     Egad,  I  have  it,  I  have 
it !     I'll  get  Tom  to  flirting  with  Fanny  ;  that  will  arouse  Effie's 
jealousy.     Then  I  will  make  love  to  Effie — in  a  moral  way— 


I    tr^^ 


THE   DOCTOR.  2$ 

which  will  put  Tom  on  his  mettle  ;  and  then,  hang  it,  I'll  make 
love  to  the  old  lady — in  a  strictly  moral  way — which  will  bring 
old  Chuggs  to  the  point.  (Enter  Tom,  r.)  Tom,  come  here. 
You  love  your  mother-in-law  ? 

Tom.     As  the  devil  loves  holy  water. 

Dil.     Then  to  get  rid  of  her 

Tom.     Yas 

Dil.     Make  love  to  Fanny. 

Tom.     What  ?     Make  love  to  Fanny  ? 

Dil.  Platonic  love.  Effie  weeps,  old  lady  raves,  I  console 
her,  get  old  Chuggs  jealous,  he  roars,  raves,  marries  the'  old 
lady,  they  clear  out,  leave  you  alone,  all  serene,  everybody 
happy.     Catch  the  idea  ? 

Tom  (L.).     Yas.     Make  love  to  Fanny 

Dil.  (R.).     Effie  weeps 

Tom.      Mamma  wails 

Dn.  That's  the  idea.  (Tom  exit  L.  i  e.)  Now  for  the  fire- 
works.    {Quickly,)     Fizz,  boom — ah  !  [Exit  R.  i  E. 

iKrS.  ^./   Your  invenflon  is  wonaerful — isiOt  it,  MrOChuggs  ? 

Ch.  Ah,  yes — as  wonderful  as  perpetual  motion,  or  catching 
a  whale  in  a  tub — and  just  as  possible. 

PI.     What  do  you  know  of  science,  sir  ? 

Ch.     The  same  as  you,  sir. 

PL     And  that  is 

Ch.     Nothing.     {Aside.)     Kee  !     Had  him  there  ! 

Mrs.  B.  It's  so  nice  to  be  an  inventor.  Why  don't  you  get 
up  something,  Mr.  Chuggs  ? 

Ch.     I  am  getting  up  something.     I'm  organizing  a  company, 

PL     For  what  purpose  ? 

Ch.     To  import  green  cheese  from  the  moon  ! 

Mrs.  B.     This  doesn't  seem  like  a  real  picnic. 

Ch.     Why  not  ? 

Mrs.  B.     Because  it  hasn't  rained  to-day. 

PL  {aside).     Old  Chuggs  got  pretty  well  soaked  anyhow  ! 

CIl  You  are  right,  my  dear  madam.  I  remember  that  when 
I  was  a  little  boy 

PL  Oh,  come  now — don't  give  us  anymore  antediluvian  his- 
tory.    I've  heard  all  about  the  deluge. 

Mrs.  B.  Here,  help  me  pack  up.  We  must  return  soon. 
{Bi^sitiess- of  filling  baskets,  one  of  which  is  very  large.)  There, 
Mr.  Chuggs,  you  take  this.  {Gives  smaller  basket.)  And  you 
this,  'ogives  Plunker  the  larger  basket)  and  this.  { Throws  table 
cloth  over  his  head.)  There,  that's  all.  Now  come  on,  and 
don't  you  dare  lose  anything. 

Ch.     My  dear  Mrs.  Billowby.    {Offers  arm,  which  she  takes^ 


H  THE   DOCTOR. 

PL     My  dear  Mrs.  BiJlowby.  \_Offers  arm. 

Mrs.  B.    X)h  botbej!     [Ta%^ his  arm  also.     ExeuntL.  U.  E. 

Enter  hofper,  r.  u.  e.,  and  Fanny,  l.  2  e. 

Dil.     Fanny ! 

Fan.     Tony  ! 

Dil.  {brings  her  down,  C).    I've  got  a  scheme  I 

Fan.     Yes  ? 

Dil.     Mum's  the  word. 

Pan.     Mum  it  is. 

Dil.     H-s-h  ! 

Pan.     H-s-h ! 

Dil.     Let's  elope. 

Fan.     Elope  ? 

Dil.     And  get  married. 

Pan.     What  for  ? 

Dil.     What  for  ?    Why  do  any  people  get  married  ? 

Fan.  Oh,  for  various  reasons.  Men  marry  for  love,  and  all 
that. 

Dil.     And  women  ?  _  , 

Fan.     Because  they  know  so  little  about  it. 

Dil.     But  a  widow  should  know  something  about  it. 

Pan.  Ah,  that's  quite  different.  A  widow,  poor  thing,  learns 
by  bitter  experience  that  the  sea  of  matrimony  is  very  rough 
sailing. 

Dil.     Yes,  there  are  some  squalls  now  and  then. 

Pan.  When  a  girl  falls  in  love,  she  thinks  the  idol  of  her 
heart  is  simply  perfection.  She  makes  him  a  king  in  fact,  and 
holds  him  beyond  all  price. 

Dil.  And  there  she  differs  from  us.  No  man  would  set  any 
value  on  07ie  king,  though  he  might  bet  his  last  red  cent  on  four 
of  them. 

Pan.     Now  I  know  what  matrimony  is  like.     I've  been  there. 

Dil.  Only  once,  and  then  you  married  a  man  so  old  that  you 
really  adopted  a  father. 

Pan.     If  I  thought  you  were  in  earnest 

Dil.  In  earnest  1  My  dear  Fanny  !  In  earnest  ?  Doubt 
that  the  stars  are  fire,  doubt  that  the  sun  doth  move 

Pan.     There  !     Now  stop  !     I  can  stand  anything  but  poetry. 

Dil.  Then  in  all  seriousness,  my  darling,  I  love  you  as  a  miser 
loves  gold,  as  a  soldier  loves  glory,  an  actor  applause  and  a  girl 
ice-cream. 

Pan.     I  suppose  I  must  believe  you. 

Dil.     Then  it's  a  bargain  .? 

Pan.     Well — yes. 

Dil,  Signed  and  delivered.  {Kisses  her,)  And  now  I've 
another  scheme. 


'(  (n»v  Y<^'Jm  oLtiCt€^^ 


THE    DOCTOR.  •  25 

Fan.  {breaking  away).     What — another  woman  ? 

Dil.     Oh  no,  my  dear.     H-s-h  !     I  want  you  to  flirt  with  Tom. 

Fan.     Excuse  ??ie. 

Dil.      And  why  ? 

Fan,     Because  he  knows  nothing  of  the  art. 

Dil.     Never  mind  that. 

Fan.     But  I  don't  see  the  point. 

Dil.  It's  plain  as  a  pikestaff.  Tom's  wife  and  her  mother 
have  his  nose  on  the  grindstone.  A  mild  flirtation  will  arouse 
his  bump  of  self-esteem.  He  will  assert  himself,  break  loose 
from  their  apron  strings,  bounce  the  old  lady,  have  a  row  with 
his  wife,  kiss,  make  up,  everything  lovely — see  ?  Do  you  follow 
me  ? 

Fan.     Without  a  break. 

Dil.  Here  comes  the  victim.  I'll  vanish.  {Goes  R.)  Now 
remember,  lead  trumps  and  we're  bound  to  win.     [Exit  R.  u.  E. 

Enter  Tom,  l.  u.  e.     P'anny  sits  on  stump. 

Tom.  There  she  is.  I  wish  Tony  had  given  me  some 
p-pointers. 

Fan.  Why,  Tom — Mr.  Picton — how  you  startled  me.  I  was 
just  thinking  of  you — that  is — I — I — you  know. 

Tom.     Yas. 

Fan.  (sighs).     Ah  ! 

Tom.     What's  the  m-matter  ?     Aren't  you  well  ? 

Fan.     Why  do  you  ask  .? 

Tom.  I  don't  know.  I — I  never  groan  like  that  unless  I 
have  the  colic. 

Fan.     I  am  quite,  quite  well,  but  very  unhappy, 

Tom.  Let  me  console  you.  Beauty  in  distress  always  arouses 
my  p-pity. 

Fan.     You  are  so  kind — so  thoughtful.     \^They  cross  to  bank. 

Tom  {seated).     D-don't  mention  it. 

Fan.     Ah,  me  ! 

Tom.     Me  too.     {Aside.)     I  never  made  love  like  this  before. 

Fan.     My  dear,  dear  Tom,  have  you,    too,  a  hidden  grief  ? 

Tom.     No — you  c-can't  hide  her. 

Fan.     Hide  whom  ? 

Tom.     My  mother-in-law.     She's  my  grief 

Fan.     How  sad  you  look.     It  must  be  a  weighty  sorrow. 

Tom.     Yas.     She  is  rather  heavy. 

Fan.  And  to  think  what  might  have  been — for  I  am  an 
orphan. 

Tom.     Eh  ?     Oh,  yas. 

Fan.    Tom 

Tom.     Yas,  my  dear  ?  [Ann  around  her. 

Fan.     Tom,  what  are  you  doing  ?     Reflect. 


26  •  THE    DOCTOR. 


K,ii:i^. 


Tom.     I  am.  '  I  always  reflect  this  way. 

Fan.  But,  Tom  dear,  it  is  very,  very  wrong  for  you  to  do 
this.     {Head  fljt  his  shoulder.)     You  are  married,  you  know. 

Tom.     Yas.     It's  wrong  for  me,  but  it's  all  right  for  you. 

Fan.     But  if  Mrs.  Billowby  should  see  you 

Tom  (Ju77iping  up).     The  d-deuce  ! 

'S2ilil.  {indigna7ttly)..  Mr.  Picton,  the  next  time  you  intend  to 
have  a  spasm,  I  wish  you  would  let  me  know. 

Tom.  My  dear  Fanny,  it's  all  right.  I  know  I'm  something 
of  a  m-muff,  but  what  the  dickens  could  you  expect  of  a  fellow 
in  my  place  ?  And  you  see  when  a  fellow  has  found  out  that  he 
knows  what  he  didn't  know  before,  and  makes  up  hig  mind  that 
perhaps  he  ought  io,  the  chances  are  that  maybe  he  will  some 
time  or  another,  d-don't  you  know,  unless  he  c-changes  his 
opinion  one  way  or  another,  so  that  it  will  be  different  more  or 
less  from  what  it  had  been  before  he  made  up  his  mind  differ- 
ently from  the  way  he — er (Aside.)     Blast  it ! — Don't  you 

see  ? 

Fan.     Have  you  any  idea  of  what  you  are  talking  about  ? 

Tom.  No — not  in  particular,  except  that  I — er — love  you, 
Fanny,  ever  so  much — oh  yes,  I  do — so  if  you're  willing  we'll 
astonish  the  natives,  arouse  the  c-country,  alarm  the  world,  and 
upset  the  universe  by  r-running  away  with  each  other  !  (Aside.) 
M-Moses  !     What  a  mess  ! 

Fan.  Tom,  dear  Tom,  your  passionate  eloquence  is  so  con- 
vincing to  a  poor,  weak  woman  !  I  can  resist  no  more  !  I  will 
run  away  with  you  !  [Throws  herstlf  in  his  arms. 

Tom  {aside).     I  have  made  a  m-mess  of  it. 

Fan.     In  a  moral  way. 

Tom  [relieved).  Oh,  that's  something  different.  {They go  L.) 
Certainly,  we  can  elope  in  a  m-moral  way.  [Exeunt  L. 

Enter  Effie  ^;2</ Hopper,  R.  u.  E. 

Ef.  Did  you  see  that  ? 

.  Dil.  I  did,  I  did  ! 

Ef.  Oh,  what  an  outrage  ! 

,  Dil.  It  is,  it  is. 

Ef.  Men  are  all  such  wretches  ! 

N^Dil.  They  are,  they  are  ! 

Ef.  And  women  are  all  such  fools  ! 

Dil.  They  are,  they  are  !                                                       ^ 

^Ef.  I'll  never  speak  to  him  again  !  1*11  tear  her  eyes  out ! 
I'll  commit  suicide  !  I'll  go  home  to  my  mother  !  I'll  get  a 
divorce  !     I'll — oh-h  ! 

Dil.  My  dear  Effie,  don't  get  excited.     You  may  have  a  fit. 

Ef.  I  could  kill  them  both. 


miA.iujUurUf<^^'i^' 


THE   DOCTOR.  27 

Dil.     Very  likely,   but  don't.     They   might  object.     People 
are  so  unreasonable.     Now  I've  an  idea. 
•^Ef.     Well  ? 

Dil.     My  plan  is  free  from  blood  and  thunder  and  coffins  and 
dungeons  and  other  unpleasant  things. 
NEf.     Well,  well  ? 

Dil.     In  brief,  give  Tom  a  dose  of  his  own  medicine, 
s  Ef.     What  ! 

Dil.  Fact.  Siinilia  similibus  curantur.  Sauce  for  the 
gander,  sauce  for  the  goose.  For  instance,  run  away  with  me. 
^  Ef.     Doctor  Hopper  ! 

Dil.     It's  all   right.     We'll   have  an  elopement — platonic  you 
know — entirely  platonic — but  Tom  will  be  none  the  wiser. 
>v  Ef.     Splendid  !      I'll  tell  mamma  ! 

Dil.  H-sh-h  !  Not  for  the  world.  Now  run  over  to  the  farm- 
house yonder  and  write  Tom  a  note.  Work  in  "  perfidious 
wretch,"  "  false  vows  "  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  Tell  him  that 
he  has  broken  your  heart — smashed  it  into  pieces — ten  thousand 
or  so — never  mind  the  exact  number — and  vv^ind  up  by  saying 
that  you  have  found  a  sympathetic  heart  which  beats  in  unison 
with  yours — that  you  have  flown  away  with  your  affinity — weary 
head,  nest,  breast,  rest,  and  so  on.  ^ 

^Ef.     All  right  !     Oh-h!-    Whaf  a  revenge  111  1iave  ! 

[Exit  L.  I  E. 

Dil.  The  plot  is  thickening.  Effie  is  charming,  lovely,  de- 
lightful, I  could  run  away  with  her  in  earnest  if  it  were  not  for 
vhe  mother-in-law.  And  yet,  I  suppose  that  mothers-in-law  are 
somewhat  necessary  ;  for,  if  there  were  no  mothers,  i  suppose 
there  would  be  very  few  daughters. 

Enter  Mrs.  Billowby,  l.  i  e. 

Mrs.  B.  Such  carelessness  !  Such  stupid,  stupid  careless- 
ness ! 

Dil.  {aside).     Hello  !     Here's  a  rod  in  pickle  for  somebody. 

Mrs.  B.     Oh,  doctor,  what  do  you  think  ! 

Dil.  My  dear  madam,  when  the  thermometer  gets  above 
ninety-five  in  the  shade  I  never  think. 

Mrs.  B.     That  is  all  right — but  we're  left. 

Dil.     Right— left  ? 

Mrs.  B.  The  horses  have  escaped  and  a  storm  is  rising.  Oh 
dear,  what  will  become  of  us  ? 

Dil.  My  dear  Mrs.  Billowby,  don't  trouble  yourself  about 
getting  home.  My  cottage  across  the  lake  is  entirely  at  your 
disposal.  All  are  w^elcome  there,  yourself  especially.  The 
light  of  your  beautiful  countenance  illuminating  the  portals  of  my 
humble  cot  would  be  like  unto  a  momentary  gleam  of  paradise. 

Mrs.  B.  {aside).     How  divinely  beautiful  1 


Dil.  My  dear  Mrs.  Billowby — may  I  say  Anastasia  ? — the 
rude  and  halting  words  of  my  poor  tongue  cannot  fitly  express 
the  ideas  which  throng  my  teeming  brain  when  I  gaze  upon  your 
cameo  face  and  fairy  form. 

Mrs.  B.  If  I  thought  I  could  trust  you — but  alas  !  you  know 
that  I  am  hampered  with  a  large  fortune,' and  men  are  prone  to 
deceive. 

Dil.  Dissipate  your  fortune — throw  it  away,  give  it  away — 
but  don't  let  your  miserable  money  bar  me  out.  My  admiration 
for  you  is  above  par,  payable  on  demand.  Join  me.  my  dear 
Anastasia,  and  we'll  form  a  joint  stock  company  with  unlimited 
liability  to  increase  our  numbers  ! 

Mrs.  B.     Eh  ? 

Dil.     In  a  moral  way. 

Mrs.  B.  How  my  heart  flutters.  But — but  there  is  Mr. 
Chuggs — if  I  thought  we  could  avoid  him 

Dil.     We  can — we  will  !     Divine  Anastasia,  let's  elope  ! 

Mrs.  B.    When  ? 

Dil.  Now.  I'll  take  you  across  the  lake  and  leave  you  in 
security.  Then  I'll  send  for  the  others  and  we'll  give  them  the 
grandest  surprise  party  of  the  year. 

Mrs.  B.  liow  perfectly  delis^htful !  I  will  be  ready  in  a  mo- 
ment. -^S/li^^K/Y  r<4^^  oL*/i  Z-  f  [Exit  R.  I  E. 

Dil.  Tony,  you're  ^ing  it,  yoii're  going  it.  You  always  do 
go  it.  but  this  time — um — let  me  consider.  I'll  leave  dearest 
Anastasia  at  the  cottage,  and  have  Tom  set  old  Chuggs  on  her 
track.  She  will  be  frightened  into  fits  and  will  marry  him  off- 
hand. Then  I'll  have  my  platonic  elopement  with  Effie  and 
have  some  one  post  Tom  after  her.  Meanwhile  I'll  run  away 
with  Fanny  sure  enough.  There's  diplomacy  worthy  of  a  Talley- 
rand.    I  say  Tom ^^  (%ULcr^M^y4JLJcL 

Enter  Tom,  l.  i  e.,  with  umbrella  and  wrap. 
Tom.     Don't  stop  me,  old  fellow — I'm  in  a  h-hurry. 
Dil.     You  ? 

Tom.     Yes — I'm  going  to  r-run  away  with  Fanny. 
Dil.     You  are,  eh  ? 

Tom.     You  told  me  to  m-make  love  to  her. 
Dil.     But  I  did  not  tell  you  to  go  that  far. 
Tom.     No — but  I've  g-gone. 

Dil.     Well,  you  haven't,  and  what  is  more  you  won't.     You 
— a  married  man  !     You  should  be  ashamed  of  yourself. 
Tom.     Oh,  bother  !     V>ovi\yoii  preach. 

Enter  Chuggs  ««^Plunker,  l.  u.  e.,  with  baskets.    To^ Joins 
them,  all  remaining  up  L. 
Dil  {down  c).     Married  people  should  never   elope.     The 
effect  on  society  is  very  bad. 


THE    DOCTOR.  29 

Enter  Fanny,  l.  2  e. 

Fan.     Tony  ! 

Dil  [aside).     Fanny!     The  deuce  ! 

Fan.  I've  got  rid  of  Tom,  {rims  to  DiL.)  and  now  I'm  all 
ready  to  run  away  with  you  ! 

All  {aside).     Run  away  with  him  ! 
Fan.     Won't  it  be  jolly  ! 
Dil.     Tremendously. 

Chug.     I  say,  Plunker — he-he  !      Your  Fanny — he-he 

PI.     Oh,  dry  up  !  [Fanny  goes  up  R. 

Dil.   (^side)^.     Confound  it,  sl]^  has  upset  everything  ! 

Enteral Rs.  Billowb^r.  i  e.     /  ^—^.^.S^ 

Mrs.  B.     Tony!     My  dearest,  d  ea  rest  Tony  M  {j^Runs  to  him.         . 
All.     Her  dearest  Tony  !  /iv^*^  ^.    cUaaA  <tLJLXjL 

Ch.     Damn  her  dearest  Tony  !  ^^^^*  -^^^  Q         t  I  A  T^ 

Mrs.  B.     Are  you  all  ready  to  elope  with  me  ?  AnA.*^^^ 

Fan.  [coming  down).  Elope  with  j^«  ?  He's  going  to  elope 
with  me. 

Mrs.  B.     No,  he  isn't ! 

Fan.     Yes,  he  is  ! 

Mrs.  B.     He  isn't ! 

Fan. .  He  is  ! 

Tom.     T-t-time  ! 

Mrs.  B.  (R.).     How's  this,  sir  ?     Speak,  sir,  speak  ! 

Fan.   (L).     Yes,  how  is  it  ?     Speak,  sir,  speak  ! 

All  {chorus).     Yes,  sir  !     Speak,  sir,  speak. 

Dil.  (C).  Merciful  heavens  !  You'd  scarce  expect  one  of 
my  age  to  speak  in  public  on  the  stage.     If  I  should 

Fan.     Enough  !     I'm  done  with  you  forever  ! 

{Paces  stage  excitedly ,  followed  by  ToM  and  Plunker. 

Mrs.  B.  Faithless  trifler  with  my  innocent,  budding  affec- 
tions, be — gone  !  [Takes  stage,  followed  by  Chuggs. 

Dil.  [stopping  Tom).  My  dear  Tom,  have  you  any  message 
for  your  dear  departed  friends  ?  If  so,  speak,  sir,  speak,  for  I 
shall  be  a  ghost  in  a  couple  of  minutes.  (ToM  breaks  away. 
All  go  up  except  DiL.,  who  goes  L.)  I'll  commit  suicide,  even 
though  I  lose  my  life.     {Recoils.)     Ah  ! 

Enter  Effie,  l.  2  e. 

^"^Ef.   {runs  to  DiL).     Now,  Tony  dear,  I'm  all  ready. 
All.     She's  all  ready  ! 
PI.     Egad,  everybody's  all  ready  ! 
Tom.     Thunder  and  lightning  !  \All  pace  stage. 


$0  THE    DOCTOR. 

Dil.  Bury  me  under  the  weeping  willows,  and  see  that  my 
grave's  kept  green  ! 

^Stumbles  against  Chuggs,  who  drops  large  basket  C, 
into  which  DlL.  falls, 

CURTAIN. 

For  Second  Curtain,  Dil.  is  in  basket,  feet  hanging  out. 
The  others  are  gathered  around  him  shaking  their  fists  and 
yelling,  "  Speak,  sir,  speak," 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


itjift^u^ 


%^^]s^^^ 


Scene — Same  as  Act  I,     Discover  Dil.  asleep  in  easy  chair  up 
C.,with  hattdker  chief  spread  over  his  face.     TQM.is  leaning/i 
over  chair  \..  Q{^x/i  (:4ji/\a^(^f[AA  yi^ 
\  Tom.     People  may  say  what  they  please,  K)ut  I  am   posrtive 

0  there  never  yet  was  a  p-picnic  that  did  not  wind  up  in  a  storm, 

1  il  a  fight,  or  a  row  of  some  sort.  Tony  and  I  got  home  aheacLpf 
K»V  the  others  who  are  c-coming  afoot.  ""Doesh'^t  he  t-taYe  Tt  coolly  I 
jj^^^Sleeping  as  sound  as  the — er — unborn  babe.     Tony  !     T-7^ony  !' 

Wake  up  ! 

Dil.     Eh  ?  {Yawns.)     What's  the  row,  Tom  !     House  afire  ? 

Tom.  N-no,  the  house  isn't  afire,  but  you  will  be  under  fire 
when  the  women  arrive. 

Dil.  That's  so.  Three  pair  of  angry  eyes,  backed  by  three 
angry  tongues  in  active  eruption,  would  vanquish  a  Napoleon. 
.  Tom,  behold  in  me  an  awful  warning.  Never,  never  try  to 
elope  with  three  women  at  once. 

Tom.      No  danger.     I  found  one  a  blame  sight  too  many. 

Dil.     Well,  let's  prepare  for  the  fray. 

Tom  {gloomily).     I  expect  there  will  be  a  d-devil  of  a  time. 

{Sits  L. 

Dil.     Nonsense.     Don't  get  a  fit  of  the  hypos. 

Tom.  It's  all  right  to  t-talk.  Just  wait  until  you  have  a  wife 
to  f-fly  at  you. 

Dil.  Your  wife  can  say  nothing.  She  agreed  to  elope  with 
me. 

Tom.      That's  true. 

Dil.     And  so  did  her  mother. 

Tom.     But  she  didn't  do  it — c-confound  the  luck  ! 

Dil.  {up  c).     Here  they  come  !     Now,  Tom,  brace  up, 

Tom  {^oes  R.).     All  right, 


THE   DOCTOR.  3 1 


[ExitR.     n 


Dil.     Where  are  you  going  ? 

Tom.     After  a  b-bracer  !  [Exit 

Dil.     Here,  I  say  !  ** 

V  Ef.   (^^c.).     Oh.  I'll  find  him,  I'll  find  him  ! 

Dil.  {runs  L.).     Good  Lord,  I'll  not  face  them  alone.     [Exit  L. 

Enter  Effie,  excitedly,  c.  fhff^^V^^^ 

"^  Ef.  Oh,  I  never  was  so  angry  in  all  my  life  !  I  have  been 
made  a  fool  of.  {Sits  R.)  It's  perfectly  outrageous  !  I'll  not 
endure  it  !  {Walks  about.)  And  my  husband — was  he  a  con- 
federate ?  No — he  hasn't  sense  enough  to  be  a  rogue.  But  I 
shall  have  revenge.  We  shall  have  revenge  !  {Goes  L.  ;  calls.) 
Tom  !  Where  are  you  ?  {At  L.  D.)  Tom  !  Tom  !  Where 
can  he  be  ?     {Crosses  to  R.  d.)     Tom! 

Enter  Dil.,  l. 

Dil.  {aside).     Hello  !     Bombshell  number  one  !  [Exit  L. 

^-Ef.   {at  R.  D.).     Tom  !     Thomas  Picton  !      Tho7nas  -' 

Enter  Tom,  r. 


f(^ff^ 't^^^cL 


Tom.     Did  you  speak,  my  dear  ? 

Ef.     Did  I  speak  ?     Thomas  Picton,  are  you  a  man  ? 

Tom.     M-my  dear — I — why,  yoit  ought  not  to 

Ef.     Are  you  a  man  f 

Tom.     Well — yes — I — I  believe  so. 

Ef     Then  I  would  be  a  man. 

Tom.     My  dear,  you  might  f-find  that  rather  difficult. 

Ef.     I  want  revenge  ! 

Tom.     Heh  ? 

Ef.     I'want  re-venge  ! 

Tom.     But  /  haven't  g-got  any. 

Ef.     Doctor  Dillington  Hopper  has  insulted  me. 

Tom.     Yas  ? 

Ef.     Yes.     Aren't  you  boiling  with  indignation  ? 

Tom  i^ery  quietly).     Oh,  c-certainly.     I'm  a  regular  Vesuvius. 

pf.     Then  call  him  out. 

Tom.     Out  where  ? 

Ef.     To  fight. 

Tom.     Not  much.     He's  a  regular  slugger. 

Ef     A  duel,  sir. 

Tom.     Heh  ? 

Ef.     A  duel  with  swords — great,  big,  long,  sharp  steel  swords. 

Tom.     Do  you  suppose  I  want  to  get  j-jabbed  all  full  of  holes  ? 

Ef.     Then  take  pistols. 

Tom.     Pistols  ?     He  is  the  best  shot  in  New  York,  while  I 
c-couldn't  hit  the  earth  at  two  paces, 
\  Ef.     Are  you  afraid  ? 


32  .  THE    DOCTOR. 

Tom.  N-no — but  I  can't  see  the  joke  in  having  Tony  kill  me 
just  because  j'czif  are  in-mad  at  him. 

^  Ef.     You     coward  !     {Follows    him.)     Coward  !      Coward  ! 
Coward  !     I'll — I'll  challenge  him  myself!       [Exit,  angrily,  R. 

Tom.     That  settles  it.     Poor  Tony — he's  dead  and  buried  ! 

Enter  Dii..,  l. 

Dil.     Tom,  has  the  bombshell  exploded  ? 

Tom.      Yas — run — you're  dead  and  buried. 

Dil.      Oh,  am  I  ?     Whereabouts  ?     " 

Tom.  Yas.  Mrs.  Picton  is  going  to  challenge  you.  Swords, 
pistols,  guns,  cannon,  dynamite — the  Lord  knows  what. 

Dil.     Mrs.  Picton  ? 

Tom.     Yas.     She  wanted  me  to,  but  I  c-couldn't  see  it. 

Dil.     You  don't  want  me  to  kill  you,  I  suppose  ? 

Tom.      I'm  not  especially  anxious. 

Dil.  Then  I  have  it — by  Jove,  I  have  it  !  You  challenge  me 
— we  fight — that  is,  /fight.  I.take  a  pistol — I  load  it — I  shoot 
you  through  the  leg  or  the  head  or  wherever  you  please.  Do 
you  see  ? 

Tom.      N-no — not  exactly. 

Dil.  It's  plain  as  a  pikestaff.  When  Efifie  learns  that  you 
have  risked  your  life  for  her,  she  will  forgive  you,  because  she 
tried  to  run  away  with  me.  See  ?  You  may  lose  a  leg  or  per- 
haps your  head,  but  never  mind  that.     Get  a  wooden  one. 

S^Goes  up. 

Tom.     I'll  be  hanged  if  I 

Dil.  Hush  !  I  hear  Anastasia's  martial  tread.  Go  and  tell 
Effie  that  we're  going  to  fight,  and  all  that. 

Tom.     But  I D-damn  it,  Tony,  I  don't  see 

Dil.  {ptishiiig  him  R.).  All  right — very  well — never  mind — 
get  out .'  (Exit  Tom,  R.)  Whew!  Now  for  bombshell  num- 
ber two.  [Exit  L. 

Enter  Mrs.  B.,  Fanny,  Chuggs  and  Plunker,  c.  The  ladies 
are  both  excited  and  angry .  Fanny  is  at  the  R.  ^Mrs.  B., 
Chuggs  at  Fanny's  r.,  Plunker  at  Mrs.  B.'s  l.  Fanny 
goes  R.,  followed  by  PLUNKER.  Mrs.  B.  goes  "L.,  followed  by 
Chuggs.  The  men  meet  and  collide  at  c.  They  draw  up, 
glare,  seek  to  pass,  and  again  collide. 

PI.     Sir,  you  ! 

Ch.     You,  sir  ! 

PL  {going  R.).     My  dear  Mrs.  Mayfair.  [She  crosses  to  L. 

Ch.  {going  L.  at  same  time).     My  dearest  Anastasia. 

[She  crosses  to  R.      The  men  meet  as  before, 
PL     Can't  you  see  an  inch  from  your  nose  ? ' 


THE    DOCTOR.  33 


'I 


fr-l^ 


^ 


Ch.     Oh,  get  out  of  my  way,  sir  !  {Follows  MRS.  B.  up  R. 

PI.     My  dear  Mrs.  Mayfair,  I  assure  you 

Fan.  {grasps  his  wrist  suddenly  and  brings  him  down  c). 
Professor  Plunker,  I  think  you  profess  to  admire  me. 

PI.     Admire  you  ?     By  yon  high-arched  heaven  1  swear 

Fan.  You  declared  that  Ufe  without  me  would  be  a  howling 
wilderness. 

PL  Howling  wilderness — howling  ?  By  yon  high-arched 
heaven 

Fan.     That  you  would  die  for  one  of  my  heavenly  smiles. 

PI.     Die  for  a  smile  ?     By  yon  higfi-arched 

Fan.  (intensely).     Did  you  mean  it  ? 

PL     Did  I  mean  it  ?     By  yon  high 

Fan.     Then  if  you  love  me,  call  out  Dillington  Hopper. 

PL     Eh?     I  don't  quite 

Pan.     Call  out  Dillington  Hopper,  and  shoot  him  on  the  spot ! 

PL     O  Lord  ! 

Fan.     Obey  me,  sir  ! 

[Goes  up  L.     Plunker  collapses  and  drops  into 
tete-a-tete,  back   to  audience. 

ISxs,  B.     Don't  you  speak  to  me  of  calmness,  Mr.  Chuggs  ! 

Ch.     But,  my  darling  Anastasia,  you  can't  mean  it. 

Mrs.  B.  I  do  mean  it.  Nothing  but  bl — ood  can  wipe  out 
the  insult. 

Ch.     But,  my  darling  Anastasia 

Mrs.  B.     I  want  r-r-revenge  ! 

Ch.      But,  my  darling 

Mrs.  B.  Silence  !  You've  heard  me  speak  !  My  innocent, 
tender,  trusting,  loving  heart  has  been  trampled  under  foot  by 
this  Doctor  Dillington  Hopper.  Call  him  out  and  I  am  yours 
forever.     Crumly,  dear  Crumly,  am   I  not  worth    fighting   for  .? 

If  you  lose  an  arm  my  own  will  encircle  you.     If  you  lose  a 

ahem  !  [Goes  tip,  confused. 

Ch.     But  my 

Mrs.  B.  Enough  1  Enough  !  I  am  to  be  your  wife,  or  I  am 
not.     Do  as  I  bid  you,  or  get  you  to  a  nunnery.     Away!     [ExitR. 

Enter  Tom,  as  if  flung  on  by  Mrs.  B.,  r. 

Ch.  {to  Tom).     Bid  as   I  tell  you,  or  get  you  to  a  nunnery,  I 
say  !     (Tom   looks  dazed,  wheels  and'Eixt^sedately^  R.)       Per-  fS^ 
haps    Mrs.  Mayfair  is    not  so    bloodthirsty.     Can  I  be  of  any    h 
service  to  you,  my  dear  Mrs.  Mayfair  ? 

Fan.  {brings  him  down  c.  intensely).  Mr.  Crumly  Chuggs, 
you  can. 

Ch.     I  shall  be  delighted  to 

Fan.     Send  Dillington  Hopper  to  grass  I 

Ch.     I  don't  comprehend  what 

3 


34  THE    DOCTOR. 

Fan.     Fit  him  with  a  pair  of  wings  ! 

Ch.     Grasshopper  wings  ?     Jerusalem  !     \Drops  into  chair  L. 

PI.  {looks  around).  Old  Chuggs — he-he-he — old  Chuggs  will 
get  killed  twice  !  [Turns  back. 

Ch.  {aside).  There  was  a  fool  in  my  family  as  soon  as  I  was 
born!  f(v^J</Y  f^^^-^  Z  ^  uAa^ 

Tom.     My  dear  Fanny,  I  hope  I  can 

Fan.  {grabs  his  wrist).     Mr.  Thomas  Picton,  you  can  ! 

Tom.     Moses  !     They've  all  been — 'ic — been  b-bracing  up  ! 

Fan.  {brings  Tom  down  c).  Listen  !  (Chuggs  and  Plun- 
KER  scramble  to  their  feet  and  go  up  R.  and  L.)  Dillington 
Hopper  has  most  shamefully  insulted  me  by  making  love  to 
your  wife  and  her  mother.  For  their  sake,  for  your  sake,  for  my 
sake,  demand  instant  satisfaction.  Shoot  him  once  for  them  and 
twice  for  me.  [Exit  R. 

Tom.     M-Moses  !  [Goes  up. 

PI.     Well,  sir,  go  ahead  and  challenge  him. 

Ch.     After  you,  sir. 

PI.  After  me  ?  And  leave  you  to  marry  the  widow,  eh  ?  If 
that  isn't  the  most  terrific  gall  ! 

Ch.     Gall,  sir  ? 

PI.     Yes,  sir,  gall,  sir. 

Ch.  Don't  provoke  me,  sir,  don't  provoke  me.  I  am  not  to 
be  bullied,  sir.  I  shall  challenge  this  doctor,  for  I  am  no  coward, 
sir,  whatever  you  may  be,  sir.  No,  sir.  I  am  an  old,  elderly, 
and  somewhat  aged  man,  sir,  but  beware,  sir,  be-ware. 

[Exit  c.  A\ 

Tom.     He  is  g-going  to  challenge  Tony  !  n 

PI.  {bouncing  up).     Yes,  sir,  and  so  am  I.     It  shall  never  be 
said  that  I  was  outdone  by  such    an  antiquated  dodo.      Not 
much  !     I'll  walk  in  gore-^I'll  wade  in  gore — I'll  swim  in  gore  ! 
My  name  is  Napoleon  Bonaparte  Plunker,  and — don't — you — for-      . 
get— it  !  [Exit,  loftily,  C.M 

Tom  {quietly).     I  don't  care  what  other  people  say,  but  /say  n 
a  picnic  plays  the  d-devil  all  around. 

Enter  Dil.,  l. 

Dil.     Well,  Tom,  is  the  storm  over  ? 

Tom.     Storm  ?     It's  n-nothing  short  of  an  earthquake. 

Dil.  Wait  a  moment.  {Lights  cigar  a?td  sits  across  chair.) 
Now  go  ahead.  I'm  ready  for  anything.  G>ve  me  all  the  hor- 
rible details.  Remember,  I  haven't  seen  a  Sunday  paper  in  a 
week. 

Tom  {solemnly).     Tony,  we've  got  to  f-fight. 

Dil.     Of  course.     Proceed. 


(xk>u^  Yt^uLt  ^^  6  fo    <hi  C  o 

tHE  Doctok.  35 

Tom.     In  earnest. 

Dil.  Correct.  I  shoot  you  in  the  leg  or  the  head  or  some- 
where.    That's  all  settled.     Proceed. 

Tom.      I'nn  not  j-joking. 

Dil.  Well,  in  that  case  I  suppose  I  must  shoot  you  in  some 
vital  spot.  Sorry,  you  know,  but  then,  {blows  smoke)  thafs  all 
settled.     Proceed. 

Tom.     Hang  it  all,  Tony,  Mrs.  Mayfair  means  business. 

Dil.     Mrs.  Mayfair  ? 

Tom.     Yas.     She  told  me  to  shoot  you  twice. 

Dil.  Look  here,  Tom.  I'm  entirely  willing  to  fill  you  with 
bullets  in  a  friendly  way.  But  if  Mrs.  Mayfair  is  interested  in 
this  matter,  I  shall  be  under  the  very  painful  necessity  of  chop- 
ping you  into  hash. 

Tom.     But  I  object  to  being  h-hashed. 

Dil.  Objection  overruled.  Consider  yourself  mincemeat 
from  this  moment.  Is  that  all .''  If  so,  we  will  commence  opera- 
tions. I  have  some  good  cigars  and  a  couple  of  elegant  pistols 
in  my  valise — hair  triggers — saw  grip — regular  young  cannon. 
I'll  bring  them  down — we'll  light  our  weeds  and  begin  opera- 
tions.    Meet  me  here  {looks  at  watchyxw  fifteen  minutes. 

Tom.     You  know  I  can't  s-shoot. 

Dil.  Never  mind  that.  You  press  the  trigger — the  pistol 
does  the  rest. 

Tom.      And  what  will  you  do  ? 

Dil.     Give  you  two  shots  to  my  one.     That's  fair  enongh. 

Tom.  Yas — it's  f-fair  enough  ;  but  I'd  rather  have  one  shot 
to  your  none.  [Exit  L. 

Dil.     No  doubt  he  would.     Some  men  are  so  infernally  selfish. 

Enter  Chuggs,  c. 

Ch.     Doctor  Dillington  Hopper  ! 

Dil.     Mr.  Crumly  Chuggs. 

Ch.     I  want  to  consult  you  on  a  very  serious  matter. 

Dil.     Very  well.       [  TTz/^^j- Chuggs' wr/j/ y  consults  watch. 

Ch.     What  are  you  doing,  sir  .? 

Dil.  Hem  !  Pulse  irregular,  temperature  high,  bile  con- 
gested. 

Ch.     Eh  ? 

Dil.  Stomach  weak,  brain  ditto,  lungs  unsound  and  liver 
knocked  into  a  cocked  hat.     Bad  case,  bad  case. 

Ch.     Sir  !     I 

Dil.  Take  a  dozen  blue  pills,  a  pint  of  soothing  syrup,  trust 
to  luck  and  make  your  will. 

Ch.  {crosses).     Burr-r-r  ! 

Dil.     You're  welcome.     Don't  thank  me.     It's  all  right.  . 


36  .  TitE  Doctor. 

Ch.  But,  sir — damme,  sir-^it's  not  all  right.  I  object  to  such 
treatment. 

Dil.  Ah,  then  you  prefer  homoeopathy.  Very  well.  Take 
one  pill,  dissolve  it  in  a  barrel  of  water,  and  shake  well  before 
using.     Dose,  three  drops  in  a  pint  of  water. 

Ch,  I  am  not  to  be  turned  off  with  a  jest.  I  am  a  man,  sir, 
a  man  ! 

Dil.      Are  you  ?     Now  who'd  have  thought  it  ? 

Ch.     In  the  name  of  Mrs.  Billowby  I  demand  satisfaction. 

Dil.  {aside).  Egad  !  I  never  thought  of  her.  Very  well,  sir. 
Meet  me  here  in  fifteen  minutes,  and  I  will  accommodate  you. 
(ChuggS  stao^ts  L.)     By  the  way,  have  you  any  particular  choice  ? 

Ch.     Particular  choice  ? 

Dil.  You  see,  if  I  blow  your  brains  out  it  will  make  such  a 
deuce  of  a  mess.  Therefore  if  you  have  no  objections  I  will  pot 
you  in  the  body. 

Ch.     Thank  you,  but  I 

Dil.     Don't  mention  it.     No  trouble,  I  assure  you. 

Ch.     Pot  me  in  the  body  !     O  Lord  !  [Exit  L. 

Dil.     I  wonder  whether  Chuggs  should  be  shot,  or  spanked  , 
andputtobed?  Of^  V^»^  /(_  ,  \j^U,,JjUvU<^^ 

Enter  Plunker,  hastily,  c,  * 

PL     Doctor  Hopper  ! 

Dil.  {aside).     Hello  !    Another  one  !     It's  getting  interesting. 

PL     Doctor  Hopper,  I  am  obliged  to  ask 

Dil,     No  use,  sir,  no  use.     I've  no  money  to  loan. 

PL  I  want  no  money,  sir.  {Pounds  table.)  It  is  satisfaction 
that  I  want.      {Pounds  table.)     Satisfaction,  do  you  hear  ? 

Dil.  When  you  get  entirely  through  pounding  the  furniture 
perhaps  you  will  explain  the  nature  of  your  malady.  Is  it  cu- 
cumbers ? 

PL     Cucumbers,  sir  ?     No,  sir.     It's  Mrs.  Billowby. 
iWi^      Dil.     Ah  !     {Aside.)     Two  of  them.     Mrs.   Billowby  means 
i^j^  business. 

^3        PL    *And  I  likewise  demand  satisfaction,  sir,  in  behalf  of  Mrs. 
Mayfair. 

Dil.  You  do  ?  {Aside.)  How  bloodthirsty'  these  widows 
are  !  Very  well.  Meet  me  here  {looks  at  watch)  in  ten  minutes. 
(Plunker  goes  R.)     I  say,  professor,  have  you  made  your  will  ? 

PL     My  will  ? 

Dil.  Good  heavens,  man  !  Do  you  want  your  heirs  to  fight 
over  your  motor  ?  (Plunker  groans  and  exit  R.)  This  is 
getting  decidedly  interesting.  Tom — Chuggs — Plunker.  {Counts 
off  oti  fingers.)  If  this  continues  I  am  liable  to  be  quite  busy. 
{Lights  cigar.)  Hello  !  I  nearly  forgot.  I  have  an  engage- 
ment here  {looks  at  watch)  in  ten  minutes. 


ILt^ 


THE  DOCTOR.  37 

Enter  Effie,  r. 

'^'Ef.     Oh,  doctor,  is  it  all  over  ? 

Dil.  (L.  C).     My  dear  Effie 

^Ef.     Where  is  he  ? 

Dil.  {solemnly).     Let  us  hope  for  the  best. 
^Ef.     You  have  killed  him  !     {Sobs.)     Oh-h  !     I  see  it  all,  I  see 
it  all  !  {Drops  into  chair  L. 

Dil.     I  wonder  why  they  always  say  that  ? 

Enter  Fanny,  c. 

Y2^Aciside).  There's  the  monster  now.  You  wretched  man, 
have  you  killed  them  ? 

Dil.  {aside).  That  settles  it.  I'll  send  them  to  the  realms 
above  in  {looks  at  watch)  exactly  eight  minutes. 

Fan.      Did  you  hear  me,  sir  ? 

Dil.     I  beg  your  pardon  ? 

Enter  Mrs.  Billowby,  hurriedly,  c. 

Mrs.  B.     Where  is  he — oh,  doctor — where  is  he  ? 

Dil.  My  dear  Mrs.  Billowby,  if  you  will  kindly  suggest  which 
of  the  numerous  "  he's  "  you  mean 

Mrs.  B.  There  is  only  one  "  he  "  to  me — my  own  brave, 
noble,  loyal  Crumly.     Where  is  he  ? 

Dil.     My  dear  Mrs.  Billowby,  I  regret 

Mrs.  B.  {screams).     Ah  !     You've  slain  him  !     I  see  it  all  ! 

\Sits  R. 

Dil.     And  now  she  sees  it  all  ! 
V   Ef.     Tell  me,  tell  me,  where  does  he  lie  ? 

All  {chorus).     Yes,  sir,  where  do  they  lie  ? 

DiL     Ladies,  if  you  will  allow  me  to  get  a  word  in  edgewise, 
crosswise,  cornerwise  or  otherwise,  I  will  say  that  nobody  lies,  at 
present,     {Aside.)     Except  myself 
N   All  {in  chorus).     Go  on,  go  on.    . 

Dil.     Your  champions  are    writing  their   wills  and  ordering 
their  coffins.     As  soon  as  these  cheerful  details  are  finished,  the 
shooting  will  begin. 
\Ef.     Oh  ! 

Mrs.  B.     Then  it  is  not  too  late.     I  will  send  for 

Dil.  {stopping  her).  One  moment.  You  will  please  send  for 
nobody  until  I  settle  with  the  present  crowd.  Then  I  will  be  at 
liberty  to  slaughter  your  other  champions  so  long  as  the  crop 
holds  out.  [Exit  L. 

Fan.     Isn't  it  dreadful  ?  '        ^Sits  r.  of  table  L. 

Mrs.  B.     Awful  !  [Sits  on  tite-a-tete. 

^Ef.     Horrible  !  {_At  table,  L. 

Mrs.  B.     Men  are  such  savages. 


U^  Fan.  {half  crying).  Why  can't  they  be  gentle  and  patient 
like  ourselves  ?  We  never  quarrel — do  we  ? — nor  get  mad  and 
fight — do  we  ? 

Mrs.  B.  {same  bus.).     No,  indeed  ;  we  are  just  like  d-doves. 
"-  Ef.  {sa77ie).     And  yet  you  made  them  fi-fi-fight. 

Mrs.  B.      I  know  it  ;  but  I  was  no  worse  than  you  or  Fanny, 
^-v  Ef.     Yes,  you  were.  ' 

Mrs.  B.  {tartly).     No,  I  was  not. 

Fan.     Oh,  but  you  were.     A  person  of  your  years  and  experi- 
ence should  have  known  better. 

Mrs.  B.      Indeed!      Then,  madam,  when  you  arrive  at  years    . 
of  discretion — if  ever  you  do — perhaps — perhaps  you  will  know 
better  than  to  elope  with  another  woman's  husband.       [Exit  R. 

Fan.     Oh,  what  a  spiteful  creature  ! 
^  Ef.     Fanny  ! 

Fan.     Effie  !  \They  embrace. 

^  Ef.     We  won't  quarrel,  will  we,  dear  ? 

Fan.     Never,  never,  never  ! 
■^Ef.     Poor  Tom  !  I  must  save  him. 

Fan.     Poor  Tony  !  so  must  I.     It's  three  to  one  against  him. 
''vEf.     Isn't  there  a  law  against  duelling  ? 

Fan.     I  suppose  so.     There  are  laws  against  almost  every- 
thing. 

■^   Ef.     But  I  dare  say  you  can't  prevent  a  doctor  from  killing 
people. 

Fan.     I  am  afraid  not,  dear. 
"  ~  Ef.     If  this  duel  goes  on  I  shall  be  a  w-w-widow.     {Sobs.) 
And  I  look  just  frightful  in  black. 

Fan.     I'm  a  widow  already,  and  liable  to  remain  one — thanks 
to  you  ! 

-   Ef.     To  me  ?     {Straightens  up.)     Well,  of  all  things  !     I  am 
sure  that  you  were  wickeder  than  I, 

Fan.     You  forced  Tom  to  fight. 

Ef.     Because  you  tried  to  run  away  with  him. 
I  Fan.     And  you  endeavored  to  elope  with  Tony. 

Lt      "^  Ef.     Ugh  !     I've  no  patience  with  you  !  {Flounces  out  R. 

t  0'^     Fan.   {surprised).      Moral  :     In   future  my  dear  Fanny,  you 
*^'^  will   take   no   part   in   family  rows  ;    and   you. will  shun    picnic 
t^f^'-tparties  as  you  would  a  rattlesnake.     Where  shall  I  find  those 
ferocious  men  ?     {At  c.   d.)     This  duel  must  be  stopped.     If 
Tony  Hopper  gets   killed,  I'll  never   forgive   him  so  long  as  I    ^ 
live!  [Exitc.o«l 

Enter  Dil.  dtidToiA,  l.,  with  three  pistols. 

Tom.     I   s-say,  Tony,  you're  dead    sure    that  these    cannon 
aren't  loaded  ? 

Dil.     My  dear  Tom,  I  am  surprised   at  you.     The  gun  that 


TI^E   DOCTOR.  39 

isn't  loaded   always  kills.     These    pistols   contain  just   enough 
powder  to  make  a  devil  of  a  fizz  ! — bang  ! 

{Swings pistol \..,  a^  Chuggs  a^^ Plunk er  enter; 
<  they  exeunt,  tumbling  over  each  other, 

■  Tom.    ,Vou  scared  the  m-mummies. 
Dil.     Never  mind  them.     Now  for  business.  \Up  \..  C.  j< 

Tom  {^.  front).     All  right — blaze  away.  ifh^jZt^tK. 

D:l.     All  ready  ?  "TiS^tj, 

Tom.     Yas.  [Shuts  eyes  and  turns  head  away. 


[EmSr  Effie,  quickly,  C.     She  screams,  n 


Q 

runs  to  DiL.  and 
throws  her  arms  around  his  tieck. 

^-  Ef.     Spare  him,  spare  him,  he  is  my  husband. 

Tom.  {aside).     D-damn  the  luck  ! 
"^Ef.     Kill  your  patients,  doctor,  but  please  don't  kill  my  Tom. 
{Looks  around.)     Oh,  Tom,  say  you  forgive  me. 

Dil.  {still embracing  Effie).  Yes,  Thomas,  you  better  forgive 
her. 

Tom  [drily).     Well,  whenever  you  get  entirely  through  your 
h-hugging  match,  you  might  release  her,  and  I'll  consider  it. 
\  Ef.  {still  clinging  to  DiL.).     Yes,  doctor,  please   release  me 
and  he  will  consider  it. 

Tom.  Wait  a  minute.  Will  you  induce  your  mother  to 
m-marry  old  C-Chuggs  ? 

Ef.     Yes. 

Tom.     And  live  by  themselves  ? 

Ef.     Oh,  I  can't  promise  that. 

l)il.     Very  well,  Tom,  very  well.     {They  aim  pistols  as  before.) 

One — two 

-^  Ef.     Oh,  yes,  yes — I  promise. 

Tom.     Then  I  forgive  you.  [Embrace. 

Dil.  Bless  you,  my  children,  bless  you.  Now  get  out,  get 
out.  {Bundles  them  offYL.).  Victory  number  one.  Now  for 
the  others.  (Enter  Chuggs  nr^^^PLUNKER,  l.)  Gentlemen,  you 
are  late.  However,  as  it  will  never  happen  again,  I'll  excuse  you. 
Besides,  I  had  some  trouble  with  Tom.     He  died  hard. 

Ch.     Died  hard  ? 

Dil.     Very  hard. 

PI.     I  heard  nothing. 

Dil.  Because  I  use  a  new  and  wonderful  powder — an  inven- 
tion of  my  own.  It  is  entirely  noiseless,  creates  no  smoke,  and 
has  ten  times  the  power  of  any  known  explosive.  Why,  gentle- 
men, you  will  find  it  a  positive  luxury. 

Ch.     I  dare  say. 

Dil.     Some   preliminaries    are    necessary  before  you  shuffle 


^^(ysMAAA  f  ""^  r^^^^t>^^  9-cAjtuA^,"4  ^Q^O^ 

off  4ffis  mortal  coil.  For' one  thing,  your  burial  certificates 
must  be  filled  out. 

PI.      Burial  certificate  } 

Dil.  Why,  to  be  sure.  You  wouldn't  die  like  paupers,  would 
you  ?  Besides,  the  law  requires  that  we  turn  men  over  to  the 
undertaker  in  regular  form.  {Takes  out  memo  book  and  pencil.) 
Now  then — attention,  please.  You  will  solemnly  state  whether 
you  are  male  or  female  ;  black,  white  or  colored  ;  age,  height  and 
weight ;  are  you  tramps,  paupers,  idiots,  anarchists,  criminals, 
millionaires.  Republicans,  Democrats  or  Presbyterians  .''  Do 
you  eat  with  a  knife,  chew  gum,  play  the  violin  or  smoke  cig- 
arettes ?  And,  finally,  the  cause  of  death.  I  believe,  in  the 
present  case,  that  Mrs.  Billowby  is  the  exciting  cause — am  I 
right  ? 

PL     Mrs.  Billowby  certainly  did  commission  me  to 

Ch.     Beg  your  pardon,  sir,  but  she  commissioned  ine. 

PL  I  begjj/(?«r  pardon,  but  Mrs.  Billowby  is  a  lady  of  taste, 
sir,  and  she  promised  me  her  hand  if  I  challenged  the  doctor. 

Ch.     Promised  _y^w,  sir  ?     She  promised  ;;z^. 

PL     It's  false,  you  old  sag-wap  ! 

Ch.     You're  another,  you  old — old 

DIL  Gentlemen,  gentlemen,  this  won't  do.  You  came  here 
to  fight  me,  but  I  judge  you  are  not  only  willing  but  anxious  to 
fight  each  other. 

Ch.  andYY.     Yes,  sir  ! 

DiL     Then  what  do  you  say  to  a  triangular  duel  ? 

Ch.     I  never  heard  of  a  triangular  duel. 

Dil.  It's  very  simple.  You  take  this  pistol  and  stand  over 
there.  (Chuggs  goes  to  L.  front.)  And  you  take  this  and  stand 
there.  (Plunker  at  R.  Jront.)  I  will  stand  here.  {Up  c.) 
Now  then,  we  are  all  ready.  When  I  count  three,  I  will  chug 
Mr.  Chuggs,  and  Mr.  Chuggs  can  plunk  Mr.  Plunker. 

Ch.     But  I  don't  want  to  be  chugged. 

PL     And  I'm  not  going  to  be  plunkered  ! 

DiL  Gentlemen,  it  is  the  only  possible  way.  All  ready. 
Aim  !  (Chuggs  aims  over  Plunker's  head.)  Good  heavens, 
Chuggs  !  Our  friend  Plunker  is  not  eleven  feet  tall.  Come 
down.  Once  more.  All  ready — aim  !  (Chuggs  holds  arm 
before  face   and   swings    his  pistol   towards    R.    E.)      One — 


SJ^.-^ 


Mrs.  B.  screams  arid  enters  R. 


Mrs.  B.     Murder  !     Don't  shoot  me  ! 

DiL     Recover  arms. 

Mrs.  B.     Crumly,  dear  Crumly,  can  you  ever  forgive  me  ? 

DiL"     Certainly    he   can.     Haven't   you    saved    his   life  ?     In 


THE    DOCTOR.  41 

another  minute  he'd  have  been  scared  to  death.     Run  to  your 
Chuggy  !  \^She  crosses  to  Chuggs. 

PI.     Another  speculation  gone  to  smash. 

Enter  Fanny,  Tom  and  Effie,  c. 

Fan.     Not  killed  1     Oh,  Tony  ! 

Dil.- (C.).     Fanny!  [They  embrace. 

Tom  (R.  C).     Effie  !  [Embrace. 

Mrs.  B.   (L.).     Oh,  Chuggy  !  [Embrace. 

PI.   (R,).     Oh,  Plunker  !  [Embraces  himself. 

Tom.      I  say,  Tony,  you'll  have  a  story  for  the  boys  when  you 
get  back  into  Wall  Street. 
•^  All.     Wall  Street ! 

Mrs.  B.      Merciful  heavens  !     Isn't  he  a  doctor  .? 

Tom.      Yes — he  often  doses  the  market. 

Dil.  {to  Mrs.  B.).  And  yesterday  I  was  at  least  a  doctor  of 
divinity. 

Mrs.  B.  {coyly).     Oh,  Mr.  Hopper. 

Tom.     M-Moses  ! 

Pan.  Perhaps,  Tony  dear,  you  can  give  us  a  final  prescrip- 
tion that  will  apply  to  everybody. 

Dil.  Well,  I'll  try.  {To  audience.)  Ladies  and  gentlemen, 
— Follow  the  Golden  Rule  :  Be  virtuous — in  a  moral  way — 
and  you  will  all  be  happy. 

CURTAIN. 


A  NEW   CUBAN   PLAY, 


IN  THE  TRENCHES. 

A  Drama  of  the  Cuban  War  in  TmtE  Acts. 

By  ABEL  SEAMAN. 

Eight  male,  three  female  characters.  Costumes  modern  and  military  scenery  not 
difficult.  An  exceptionally  strong  and  well-constructed  melodrama,  full  of  powerful 
situations  and  humorous  incidents,  which  has  been  successful  in  professional  hands. 
Its  story  is  full  of  interest,  and  is  told  by  a  well-selected  and  contrasted  group  of  charac- 
ters, including  Hebrew,  Irish  and  Negro  comedy  roles.  The  second  act  is  laid  in  the 
trenches  before  Santiago,  and  gives  opportunity  for  military  display  if  desired.  Its 
action  is  very  spirited,  its  cl'max  strikingly  heroic  and  its  appeal  to  patriotic  sentiment 
overwhelming.     Strongly  recommended. 

Price 15  Centb. 


SYNOPSIS. 

ACT  I.— A  strange  will.  War  with  Spain.  The  Colonel's  history.  Paul  Davis* 
pride.  The  sealed  packet.  An  honest  man.  A  sad  experience.  A  brave  bargain. 
The  dawn  of  love.  Is  h^  a  coward?  Heid  in  trust.  Financial  agent.  A  brother's 
wrong.  The  seat  of  war.  For  love  or  money.  Nadina's  sacrifice  Passion's  penalty. 
A  man's  independence.  Strange  disclosures.  Rejected  by  the  rose.  The  march  to  the 
front.  Beggar'd  in  pocket  and  bankrupt  in  love.  With  flying  colors.  A  heart  of  gold. 
The  roll  of  the  drum.     Away  to  the  war.     Facing  the  foe. 

ACT  II. —  In  the  trenches.  Why  he  'listed.  An  Irishman's  philosophy.  For 
valor.  Unconscious  of  danger.  The  sergeant's  hut.  On  the  slopes  of  Santiago.  The 
Colonel's  prejudice.  Risen  from  the  ranks.  A  half-dead  Spaniard.  Letters  from  home. 
Strange  news.  A  cruel  insult.  The  plot  of  ruin.  Spies  in  the  camp.  A  token  of  love. 
For  himself  alone.  Nad  na's  truth.  Under  arms.  Ringing  the  changes.  Doomed  to 
dishonor.  Cruel  to  be  kind.  Husband  and  wife.  The  envelope  and  the  seal.  Sent  to 
the  front.  The  Spanish  colors.  The  forlorn  hope.  A  soldier's  death.  Food  for  pow- 
der. 

ACT  III. —  In  Santiago.  The  two  papers.  A  rogue's  quarrel.  A  dtserted  wife. 
Green's  luck.  The  sacred  truth.  A  blameless  life.  Brought  to  the  test.  Mother  and 
child.  A  man  to  love.  For  her  sake.  Nadina's  sacrifice.  The  love  of  the  lion.  The 
eagle  spreads  his  wings.  Testing  the  metal.  Struck  to  the  core.  The  spider's  web. 
Joy  does  not  kill.  Forget  and  forgive.  After  many  years.  The  stolen  proof.  Hoist 
with  his  own  petard.  Spanish  treachery.  Biting  the  dust.  True  to  himself.  Bowie) 
out. 


Rubber  Boots. 

A  FARCE   IN   ONE  ACT. 
By  riANLEY  H.  PIKE. 

On^  male,  three  female  characters.  Scenery,  an  easy  interior;  costumes  modem. 
This  is  a  most  ingeniously  imagined  and  cleverly  written  little  piece,  admirably  suited 
fcr  amateur  performance.  Its  theme  is  the  encounter  of  three  youiij;  l.idies  with  a  tramp, 
and  it  provides  twenty  minutes  of  delightfully  humorous  incident  aird  dialogue.  The 
tramp  is  a  "  dumb  "  character,  his  part  being  wholly  in  pantoniim.-,  but  remarkably 
effective.     Very  strongly  recomm     ded. 

Price 15  Cf  itts. 


Sent  postpaid^  on  receipt  of  price,  by 

BAKER,  5  HAMILTOI^  PLACE,  BOSTON,  MASS. 


A  NEW  CUBAN  PLAY. 


THE  ROUGH  RIDER. 

A  Drama  in  Four  Acts. 

"  By  BERNARD  F.  nOORE. 

Seven  male,  two  female  characters.  Costames  modern  and  military;  sce- 
nery easy  but  effective.  This  piece,  reflecting  as  it  does  the  current  patriotic 
sentiment  aud  dealing  with  the  scenes  and  incidents  of  the  late  war,  is  likely  to 
be  very  popular  with  amateur  clubs  this  season.  The  attempt  has  been  made  in 
it  to  construct  an  effective  play,  providing  stirring  pictures  and  situations,  in- 
spiring patriotic  sentiment,  aud  recalling  familiar  incidents  of  the  war,  without 
the  use  of  supernumeraries  or  the  need  of  elaborate  scenery  or  properties. 
Better  plays,  no  doubt,  can  be  written,  but  better  plays  for  the  use  of  amateur?, 
bearing  in  mind  their  artistic  limitations  and  the  diflBculties  offered  by  elaborate 
scenery  and  groupings,  are  not  often  to  be  had.  A  small  cast,  strongly  marked 
characters,  Negro  and  Irish  comeily  parts,  rapid  movement  and  strong  lines 
unite  to  recommend  this  piece,  which  plays  about  two  hours. 

Price 15  Cents. 


SYNOPSIS. 

ACT  I.— War  clouds.  The  new  overseer.  Father  and  son.  Theblowing- 
np  of  the  • '  Maine."  A  glimpse  into  the  past.  A  scheme  of  revenge.  An  Irish- 
man's courtship.  Nigger  t*s.  Irish.  A  serious  question.  A  declaration  of  love 
and  another  of  war.  The  call  for  volunteers.  "Take  that,  you  Spanish  dog!" 
The  first  blow  for  the  freedom  of  Cuba. 

ACT  II.— Sergeant  Kafferty,  The  Hough  Riders.  A^ma  in  danger.  The 
Cuban  spy.  A  letter.  Sam  aud  Dennis.  "Chickens,  or  I'm  a  liar!"  A  meet- 
ing. News  from  Manila.  Traitors  in  camp.  Danger.  The  poisoned  water. 
Tbeabduc  ion.     "  We'll  save  him  or  die  in  the  attempt!" 

ACT  III.  — In  a  Spanish  pri.sion.  A  black  angel.  Explanations.  Planning 
an  escape.  The  villain  shows  bis  hand.  A  forced  mairiage.  "Remember!  a 
Spaniaril  never  f  )rgets."  The  Cuban  spy  again.  The  bombardment  of  Santiago, 
Laying  low.  The  marriage  ceremony.  The  tables  turned.  "  There's  one  blow 
for  the  Stars  ami  Stripes."    The  fall  of  Santiago. 

ACT  IV.— Peace  once  more.  A  mysterious  stranger.  Suspicions.  The 
Spanish  kidnapper.  Sefior  Fqtferty's  proposal.  A  colore<l  "  best  man."  The 
broken  dishes.  Throwing  off  the  mask.  *'  I  am  no  servant."  In  the  nick  of 
time.    Rescued.    A  cowardly  trick.    "  Pedro,  you  have  saved  my  life." 


AN  OPEN  SECRET. 

A    FARCE    IN    Two    ACTS. 

FOB  FEMALE  CHABACTERS  ONLY. 

By  riARION  D    CAflPBELL. 

As  originally  presented  by  the  Emmanuel  Club,  Radcliffe  College,  Cam- 
bridge. Ten  female  characters.  Costumes,  outing  dresses;  scene,  a  college 
room.  A  particularly  bright  and  vivacious  litclo  glimpse  of  college  life,  pr*-- 
seniing  a  particularly  humorous  and  characterihtic  story  with  much  vigor  and 
skill.  A  brand  new  plot  in  a  piece  for  female  characters  only  is  something  of  a 
rarity,  but  the  author  has  hit  upon  something  absolutely  novel  in  this  piece, 
and  full  of  incidental  humor  and  interest.  .  Strongly  recommended. 

Price 15  Cents. 


Sent  postpaid ,  on  receipt  of  price,  by 

BAKEB,  5  HAMILTON  PLACE,  BOSTON,  MASS, 


A   NEW  COriEDY. 


A  GILDED  YOUTH. 

A  Comedy  in  Three  Acts/ 

By  CHARLES  TOWNSEND. 

Originally  produced  under  the  title  of  "Moses."  Three  male,  two  female  charac- 
ters. Scenery,  three  easy  interiors;  cotsumes,  modern.  This  piece,  originally  pro- 
duced by  the  author  and  employed  by  him  for  several  seasons  as  part  of  his  repertoire, 
provides  for  a  full  evening's  entertainment  and  yet  calls  for  but  five  characters,  his 
unique  in  this  paiticular,  and  meets  a  want  often  felt  by  small  professional  companies  as 
well  as  by  amateurs.  It  naturally  follows  that  every  part  is  an  important  one,  since  so 
few  people  are  required  to  carry  the  interest  of  the  piece,  which  is  second  to  none  of  the 
author's  extensive  list,  and  possesses  to  the  full  those  qualities  of  briskness,  bustle,  wit,, 
humor,  and  "go"  which  constitute  his  professional  trademark.  Its  story  is  neces- 
sarily a  slender  one,  but  it  is  complicated  with  an  unusual  wealth  of  humorous  incident 
and  ludicrous  situation,  and  its  action  never  flags  for  an  instant.  An  "all  star"  com- 
edy for  low  comedian,  "  touch  and  go"  light  comedian,  old  man,  old  maid,  and  sou- 
brette.    Strongly  recommended. 

Price 25  Cents. 


SYNOPSIS. 

ACT  I. — Time,  a  midsummer  afternoon.  Long  Branch.  A  romantic  maiden.  The 
Colonel  gets  news.  Sam  and  Sadie.  The  pitcher  of  milk  and  the  tale  of  a  cat.  Aunt 
Sadie's  "  nerves."  Moses!  A  case  of  mix.  Sam  gains  a  promise.  Trouble  threatened 
Trouble  comes.     A  grand  smash. 

ACT  II. —  Five  minutes  later.  Sam's  letter.  Law  and  love.  Sadie's  suggestions. 
The  "  Slugger."  Sam  on  his  muscle.  Moses  and  the  Colonel.  More  mistakes.  "  Set- 
tled out  of  court."  The  broken  promise.  Moses  a  wreck.  "  I  want  revenge."  A  joint- 
stock  love-letter.  Sam's  device.  Aunt  Sadie  sees  a  chance  at  last.  Sam  reads  the  Riot 
Act.    Comical  climax. 

ACT  III. —  An  hour  later.  At  the  Colonel's.  Aunt  Sadie  grows  impatient.  Moses 
more  mystified.  Sam  talks  politics  with  the  usual  result.  The  Colonel  on  the  warpath. 
Sadie's  scheme.  "  Back  me  up  now."  The  storm  approaches.  A  cyclone  —  of  fun. 
Sam's  triumph.     "  After  the  storm,  a  calm." 


A  NOVELTY  IN  Entertainments. 


APOLLO'S  ORACLE, 

By  ESTHER  B.  TIFFANY. 

An  entertainment  in  one  act.  This  novel  entertainment  is  admirably  adapted  for 
summer  theatricals  at  hotels  or  country-houses,  not  only  because  it  requires  no  scenery 
and  calls  for  Greek  costumes  only,  which  are  easily  arranged,  but  because  its  fun  de- 
pends as  much  upon  the  audience  as  upon  the  actors.  Two  ladies  and  one  bny  are  re- 
quired for  its  representation,  and  any  number  of  girls  for  chorus.     Complete  with  music. 

Price        .        .        .        .        .        .        .        15  Cents 


Seni,  postpaid,  on  receipt  of  price,  by 

BAKER,  5  HAMILTON  PLACE,  BOSTON,  MASS. 


NEW    PLAY5. 


New  Hampshire  Gold. 

A  COMEDY-DRAMA  IN  THREE  ACTS. 
By  KATHERINE  E.  RAND. 

Eight  male,  six  female  characters.  Scenery  easily  arranged;  costumes, 
modern.  An  excellent  piece,  interesting  in  story,  and  full  of  sLrewd  and  humor- 
ous character.  It  h;»s  a  strong  melo<lramatic  iiitere.st.  but  its  general  atmosphere 
is  homely  and  domestic,  placing  it  in  the  class  of  plays  to  which  "The  Old  Home- 
stead "  belongs.  It  provides  some  capital  parts,  both  serious  and  humorous,  and 
is  well  siute(J  for  the  simplest  conditions  under  which  amateur  theatricals  are 
given.  Printed  from  an  actmg  copy  which  has  been  successfully  performed. 
Plays  two  hours. 

Price, 15  Cents. 


SYNOPSIS. 

ACT  I.  At  the  Gerrishes.  The  thirst  of  gold.  '•  A  poor  fool."  David  and 
Daisy.  Lessons  in  flirtation.  The  laziest  man  on  the  farm.  Putting  out  the  fire. 
The  landslide.  The  speculator  from  Boston.  An  old  fox.  The  gold  mine.  "I'm 
determined  to  marry  a  very  rich  man."    The  partnership.    David's  refusal. 

ACT  II.  The  mortgage.  Christie's  misgivings.  Salting  the  mine.  Tlie  lost 
letter.  "The  Boston  feller."  Maiid\'s  paper  dolly.  A  clue.  To  the  mine. 
"  Whatever  It  is,  Christie  Gerrish  is  goni'  to  be  in  it.'"  Caught  in  the  act.  Dis* 
semblina.  The  speculator's  revenge.  Daisy's  interrupted  vow.  The  awful  tid- 
ings Daisy  true  gold.  "  I  don't  care  if  it's  ten  thousand  nights ;  let  me  go, 
mother,  let  me  go !  " 

A(^T  III.  The  dead  speculator.  The  convalescent.  "As  cross  as  two 
sticks  "  A  lost  memory.  Jack  and  Daisy.  A  misunderstanding.  The  Colonel's 
daughter.  '/That  letter."  Gid  and  Bijah.  A  thunderstorm,  which  clears  the 
air.  The  crisis.  David's  sacrifice.  "  I've  never  been  able  to  remember  anything 
about  it."  The  mortgage.  The  debt  paid.  '•  I  am  the  richest  man  in  the 
world." 


A  Tell=Tale  Eyebrow. 

A  COMEDY  IN  TWO  ACTS. 

By  ESTHER  B.  TIFFANY. 

Author  of  "A  Rice  Pudding,"  "A  Model  Lover,"  Etc. 

Two  male,  four  female  characters.  Scenery,  an  e^sy  interior  ;  costumes, 
modern  and  elegant.  Avery  pretty  and  gra<-eful  liitle  piecn  of  healthy  senti- 
me  t  and  refined  humor,  pe'fectly  adaj  ted  for  amateur  performers  and  appeal 
ing  to  thebest  ta?te  in  such  matters.  In  story';ind  treatment  alike  this  latest 
piece  is  agreeably  characteristic  of  the  author  of  "  A  Rice  Pudding,"  and  can 
havdly  fail  to  please  the  taste  ti  which  that  popular  piece  so  successftUl^r 
appealed.    Plays  an  hour  and  a  quarter. 

Prica, 15  Cents. 


NEW    PLAY5. 


Broken  Bonds. 

A   DRAiyiA   IN    FOUR   ACTS. 
By  F.  E.  HILAND. 

Author  of  "Rooi^EY's  Restaurant,"  "A  Town  Mekting/* 
"The  Old  Country  Store,"  etc. 

Nine  male,  tliree  female  cliaracters.  Costumes,  modern  and  rough  'Western; 
scenery,  varied,  but  not  difficult.  This  is  a  stirring  melodrama  of  the  conven- 
tional type,  but  not  lacking  in  origina'ity  and  novelty  of  story,  incident,  and 
character.  Its  action  is  rapid  and  exciting,  its  dialogue  vigorous  and  forcible, 
its  comedy  element  natural  and  sympathetic,  its  serious  interest  strong  and 
absorbing.  It  provides  several  good,  heavy  parts,  and  excellent  low  comedy, 
Negro  and  Yankee,  and  gives  plenty  of  chances  for  strong  acting.  Plays  two 
hours. 

Price, 16  Cents. 


SYNOPSIS. 

ACT  I.  Scene  1.— "Wilke's  new  quarters.  Bill  and  Joe  concoct  a  scheme  to 
rob  Richard.  "That's  the  stuff  to  drive  dull  care  away."  Playing  for  high 
stakes.  "My  money  gone."  The  midnight  murder.  "  I'll  fasten  this  on  that 
Bot  there."  The  stricken  wife.  Richard's  vow.  "  Till  then  I  am  dead  to  all  I 
hold  dear  on  earth." 

ACT  II.  Scene  1.  -Fifteen  years  after.  The  mountain  home.  Deacon  Gimp 
and  his  trials.  A  war  cloud  on  the  horizon.  Scene  2.— Sam's  soliloquy.  "  Oh, 
you  old  reptile,  I  see  yer  game!"  Wilke  makes  a  discovery.  Scene's.— The 
forsaken  wife.  "Fifteen  years  and  nothing  heard  from  my  poor  husband." 
Clara's  loss.  The  villain's  letter.  "  Heaven  help  you  if  you  are  dependent  upon 
that  man!  "    Wilke's  revelation.    "A  slave,  would  that  I  never  was  born!  " 

ACT  III.  Scene  1.— "War  at  last.  Edward's  despair.  "  Chained  at  home." 
Gimp's  grip.  Sam  to  the  rescue.  "  Take  it, you  old  blood-sucker! "  Scene  2. — 
The  villain's  lair.  Edward  attempts  a  rescue  Pete  puts  him  on  the  right  track. 
"Wilke  has  an  unwelcome  visitor.  His  schemes  frustrated.  Clara's  misery.  A 
friend  in  need.  "That  gal's  goin'  long  o'  us."  Scene  3.— Down  by  the  river. 
"Wilke  wiles  Sam'3  big  fish.  ""What  shall  I  dew  with  the  critter?"  Clara's 
escape.    "  Yer  slave  is  free  !  "    Tableau  :  Crossing  the  river. 

ACT  IV.  Scene  1.— Sam  and  Pete  happy.  Father  and  Son.  Wilke  jubi- 
lant. "  The  game  is  about  to  fall  into  my  snare."  Scene  2.— The  loved  ones  at 
home.  Arrival  of  Edward  and  Sam.  Sam's  stranger.  "  He's  not  Avhat  he 
seems."  Wilke  plays  his  trump  card.  Ward  as  a  witness.  "  You  are  innocent." 
Happy  finale.  "  We  will  cast  aside  our  broken  bonds."  Grand  Tableau.— 
Victory's  Crown. 

A  Change  of  Color. 

A  PLAY  IN  ONE  ACT. 

By  CLARA  J.  DENTON. 

Author  of  "  The  Man  Who  Went  to  Europe,"  "  To  Meet  Mk. 
Thompson,"  etc. 

Two  male,  three  female  characters.  Scenery  and  costumes  unimportftnt, 
A  little  dramatic  trifle  for  school  or  parlor.    Plays  fifteen  minutes. 

Price, 15  Cents. 


